Usual Interwebs time-wasting found this gem of a trailer for a game I have little interest in playing.

Let’s hope zombies do not have special natural 6’s rolling powers or we are all DOOMED!!!!!!

Moe Lane asks the question: does this graphic aid show unemployment by counties or zombie outbreak?

Obviously, it depicts a zombie outbreak. Don’t let the titles fool you. Michigan is well-known for harboring Mohammadeans and zombies. The liberal and heavily populated areas fall first, rapidly overwhelming the more conservative, gun-happy areas as it spreads.

The moral of the story: don’t live in liberal areas if you want to avoid being eaten by the undead. Especially since they are attracted to liberal metropolises, with their succulent masses of flesh and voting rights for Democratic zombies.

Speaking of Zombies…

July 8, 2009

Look what I saw at my comic book store’s website!

Unintentionally apt description, anyone?

UPDATE: No, no it was not.

So, I read the comic book while some guy was buying $100 worth of Magic cards and dice. Apparently, the author was so inspired by the Great Election Mistake of 2008 that he tried to capture his inspiro-beams in heroic comic book form.

I am going to write a plot summary so you do not have to suffer through the actual book if you do not want to.

So, Obama won the election. Since then:

  • He was given a power suit that is activated by a talking, generic flag pin (look, Ma! No stripes!)
  • John “McPain” McCain walled himself up in a Dunkin’ Donuts (the inside-the-Beltway conservative donut shop of choice) and preceded to engorge himself to 300 pounds.
  • Sarah “Paladin” Palin started her own line of fashionable guns (which, I admit, is hot).
  • Oh, and the swine flu somehow started turning people into zombies.

The most obnoxious moment was either Obama moralizing about not wanting to kill Zombie-Americans or George “Dubya” being portrayed as a zombie that is eating his OWN brain (with a human Dick “Chainsaw” supervising). Oh, and Hillary pseudo-Hulks out whenever she thinks about Bill, but that probably has happened since before the election.

So, other than protraying Sarah “Paladin” Palin (as I will refer to her from now on) as a master slayer of zombies, it was utter dreck. Feel free to skip it.

First it was the sodomites for not supporting their rabid overturn Proposition 8 campaign, and now Undead-Americans get to feel the snub from Obama.

Obama is trying to get Congress to pass a tax on the Undead-Americans, ironically called the Graveyard Housing Occupancy Unlimited Liability Act of 2009. Details are still scarce, but the title suggests some kind of property tax on cemetery plots, mausoleums, and other undead housing. That is what you get for not supporting Obama financially like the unions or China did; never mind the undead have voted Democratic 100% percent of the time they were allowed to vote.

The response from the undead community has been one of shock and betrayal.

David Naughton, who became undead during a trip to England, said, “With this new tax, Obama is going to drive me out of my home. Do you know how hard it is to hold a job when you roam the countryside feasting on innocent people every full moon, waking up naked miles from work around noon? Most employers do not take kindly to missing work and nobody likes it when you show up around closing time to apologize for not calling in while covered in the blood of your victims.”

Scientists informed a zombie with electrodes inserted into it’s brains about this new possible tax and, once they removed the white noise of “braaaaaaaiiiiiins”, got this response: “Obaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaa tryiiiiiiing to taaaaaaaaax me? Thaaaaaaat waaaaaaas not the hope and chaaaaaaaange I voted for.”

I’m personally torn by the prospects of this new tax. On the one hand, the money is going to be used on socialized medicine, which is not only an extravagant waste of money dooming us all to early graves but is a service that Undead-Americans cannot use. That’s like making a new tax the deaf to bail out NPR. On the other hand, the undead certainly seem to be not pulling their weight. If I have to pay taxes, they should too.

My plans for undead genocide does not seem so evil now, does it?

The notoriously soft on zombie crime Moe Lane has accused me of being some kind of racist for adamantly opposing illegal immigrant zombies from collecting Social Security.

While I can cite evidence that your “Cravens” lust after human flesh just as much as the “Romeros” do, Mr. Lane, they are a danger to society even if they do not. While it cannot spread itszombie condition through salivary contact, a sufficient amount of the zombie powder used to keep a voodoo zombie animated could be inhaled to induce zombie-ism to those with intimate contact with it. And, in the case of Orneuve, he has been a zombie for at least a year before jumping the border; are you seriously going to argue that decomposition has not set in (which would make him a vector for various diseases, plus a site for tropical fly breeding)? And, since voodoo zombies are not capable of independent thought (like the “Romeros” are, if it is a little single-minded), they must be controlled by a voodoo witch doctor; once tasting the perverse power of that black magic, are you going to argue that Orneuve’s handler is not trying to convert the homeless of the Miami-Dade area into a hoard of the night? I laugh at your naivete.

Those “extenuating circumstances” are laughable, too.

Do we really know that Orneuve has been keeping out of trouble? Outside of the obviously biased story in that paper of record (they could not even be bothered to get a quote from an anti-zombie person), the mainstream media has been quite quiet about this Orneuve situation. Too quiet, someone might say before being mauled by the shambling undead. Maybe the few journalists out there who are not rabidly pro-zombie do not wish to dig into Orneuve’s time in America, fearing of being accused of vitalism (which, as we know, is the kiss of death in the MSM). Someone from Miami, speak up! If anyone can adequately answer the question, it would be those that had to fight off a zombie hoard. That, and homeless disappearances are notoriously under-reported.

Just because Orneuve would be considered property under Hiatian law does not necessarily mean it is in a better situation here. Any effort to grant Orneuve rights befitting man would fall flat. It takes expert skills to maintain a voodoo zombie; prosecuting Orneuve’s handler for slavery would just lead to Orneuve’s release from being part of the shambling undead. Is that what you really want, Mr. Lane?

And what is with the pro-zombie talking point that, since I am against the voodoo zombie getting Social Security, I must be for the “Romero” zombie? We can (and need) to stand against both types of zombie hoards. Why must the pro-zombies ignore the majority of Americans, who are against ALL types of zombies? Simple; they want to convince the average American that appeasing the voodoo zombie lobby is mainstream. Next you will be arguing that we should acknowledge zombie civil unions and allow zombies to adopt what they would consider sweet, succulent children.

So, in conclusion, we need a gun in every red-blooded American’s hand and a multiple bullets in every zombie head.

So, a zombie is suing the U.S. government for denying his (it’s?) Social Security Disability claim?

For those of you too lazy to click the link, Jacques Orneuve has been a (voo-doo based) zombie since 1993 and illegally immigrated here from Haiti in 1994. He suffered some kind of injury last year, leaving him unable to work. The U.S. government denied his claim, not because of his status as an illegal immigrant, but because of his status as a dead man.

So, let me get this straight. This shuffling member of the undead gets into this country illegally, carrying any number of deadly diseases (due to his rotting flesh), only making marginal contributions to society while working his black market labor jobs, and expects us to pay for his lavish, brain-eating lifestyle perpetually when he falls apart enough to not be of use anymore. Can you imagine the net negative he has had on the Miami-Dade area? How many people caught his gangrene? Or became one of the walking dead due to his unquenchable thirst for quivering flesh?

Shenanigans.

If someone is not willing to respect our laws, they should not be able to collect money off of those that do. And zombies should be dealt with using hot lead, not welfare coddling.