Daniel Way, You Are a Tool.

February 17, 2010

Using Deadpool to promote Hit-Monkey? A hitman monkey? Really?

It is sad that Deadpool is your best work; that means the best you can do is mediocrity. It is also sad that Marvel gave you another book. When will they learn?

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Speaking of Zombies…

July 8, 2009

Look what I saw at my comic book store’s website!

Unintentionally apt description, anyone?

UPDATE: No, no it was not.

So, I read the comic book while some guy was buying $100 worth of Magic cards and dice. Apparently, the author was so inspired by the Great Election Mistake of 2008 that he tried to capture his inspiro-beams in heroic comic book form.

I am going to write a plot summary so you do not have to suffer through the actual book if you do not want to.

So, Obama won the election. Since then:

  • He was given a power suit that is activated by a talking, generic flag pin (look, Ma! No stripes!)
  • John “McPain” McCain walled himself up in a Dunkin’ Donuts (the inside-the-Beltway conservative donut shop of choice) and preceded to engorge himself to 300 pounds.
  • Sarah “Paladin” Palin started her own line of fashionable guns (which, I admit, is hot).
  • Oh, and the swine flu somehow started turning people into zombies.

The most obnoxious moment was either Obama moralizing about not wanting to kill Zombie-Americans or George “Dubya” being portrayed as a zombie that is eating his OWN brain (with a human Dick “Chainsaw” supervising). Oh, and Hillary pseudo-Hulks out whenever she thinks about Bill, but that probably has happened since before the election.

So, other than protraying Sarah “Paladin” Palin (as I will refer to her from now on) as a master slayer of zombies, it was utter dreck. Feel free to skip it.

Ever notice that all of the good plant-based comic book characters are villains? Poison Ivy, El Seed, Al Gore, Bushroot. All bad guys.

My theory is that the modern environmentalist movement, which these characters are based off of, view man’s relationship to nature as a war, a war that they choose to fight against man in. They do not believe that man can peacefully co-exist with nature nor that the relationship can be mutually beneficial. They believe that man is a plague on the planet to wipe out or otherwise subjugate.

While they make great villains, eco-cultists make for lame heroes. Don’t believe me? Here is an annotated list of characters that are solar powered (as far as I remember). Tell me I am wrong:

Superman (ret-conned)

Ah, Superman. The original ret-con. When DC changed the origin of his powers from Kypton’s stronger gravitational force to “power from a yellow sun”, that is the first point when one can argue that comics have gone liberal. When the immediate story takes precedence over the history of the character, a good part of what makes the character great (or, in Superman’s case, less lame) dies.

Anyways, “Supes” suffers from lame writing (even going back to the brinkmanship early years), dorky haircut, unemployable alter-ego (how can he keep his job if he’s never seen actually reporting things?), and a ridiculous demigod power set. His powers led to brinkmanship writing and the ret-con; he started off well above where a normal superhero should be and they had to pile on more just to resolve plot lines.

Cyclops

I’m being fair here. Just because I am a Marvel Zombie, does not mean I am only going to pick on DC for this.

Cyclops has a wooden personality. Jean Grey must have been a little nuts to find him even remotely attractive. Maybe psychics like him because he is so boring that they can put whatever they want on him. Kind of like the idiot voting bloc attributing positions they care about on “Hope and Change” Obama. That’s the only reason that power-grabbing strumpet Emma Frost could possibly want to fornicate with him. Well, that and an automatic second-in-command spot.

He’s also a physical gimp. He has to wear dorky ruby crystal glasses to keep him from blowing a hole into whatever he looks at. It’s lame. He is the oldest brother and he got the short end of the stick. I mean, Havok does not spontaneously explode. Then again, Havok absorbs ambient cosmic rays and not specifically sunlight.

Gizmo Duck and Inspector Gadget

I apologize in advance if Gizmo Duck and Inspector Gadget are not solar powered. I vaguely remember seeing solar-panels amongst their toys. I could be wrong.

They are both the same character, so I am lumping them together. These two heroes have robotic modifications that frequently malfunction. You know, getting Gadget Skates instead of Gadget Gatlin’ Gun or getting a Box of Candy instead of a Boxing Glove. If you do not work half of the time, you should not be called a super hero; you should not even be called competent.

They are also very dense and oblivious. When they need the brain-power of prepubescent children to solve their cases for them, they should not be in the super hero business; they should be mopping up vomit like Groundskeeper Willie. And by that, I mean, they should not be entrusted with a job that involves any intelligence beyond operating a vacuum.

Birdman

When everybody knows you need almost constant sun exposure to get the job done, what do your villains do? They build their bases deep underground. Or not install windows and reinforce the walls. Or fight you in space. And that’s Birdman’s problem. I mean, outside of his lame battle cry (“Biiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrdman”), his pastel colored-uniform, and his creepy sidekick issues.

Just to get to some semblance of cool, he had to get a law degree and work for an eye-patched, blond Steven Corbert, being constantly nagged whether he “got that thing” Peter Potamus sent him. That’s pathetic.

Captain Planet

I could talk about his catamite, mid-drift revealing costume. I could talk about his green mullet. I could talk about the fact that he is summoned by five teenage “sidekicks”. I’d rather point out the idiocy of fighting his enemies.

It is one thing when your villains happen to find your weakness, like “Supes”. Lex Luthor started off by using his wits; he would later incorporate Superman’s weakness as part of his plans.

It is quite another thing when your villains (and, come to think of it, anybody) can readily create your weakness and you are trying to stop them while they are in the process of producing more. Captain Planet can be beaten by POLLUTION. He was fighting POLLUTERS. That would be like “Supes” fighting Kryptonite miners, covered in a fine dust of Kryptonite. Thank, my friends, makes Captain Planet dumber than Gadget.

Ba Ba Barbarian

April 7, 2009

So, apparently Barack Obama is going to star in a Conanesque comic book. When I saw it, a little ditty went through my head. Sing along if you know the tune (and if you do not, shame on you; it’s from one of the best Disney cartoons of this decade):

Ba ba barbarian
Ba ba barbarian

Barack the Barbarian
A scrawny wimp.
His girlfriends Hill and Michele
Are a princess and a chimp

[Hill enters on screen]: NOT A MONKEY

Their Mom and Dad are the king and queen
Of the land of Udregoth.
They went to banish evil
And now Barack is the [pause] BOSS!

Barack, Hill, and Michele
Brave and bold, like deers.
The ain’t even competent heroes
But they’ll only be in four years!

Barbarian
Ba ba barbarian
Ba barbarian
Ba ba barbarian…

Tip of the Hat: imao

When I reviewed the graphic novel, in my mind I was thinking, ‘The only way I am going to go watch the movie is if it is so far off of Alan Moore’s vision that he starts another vile-filled rant against Hollywood not respecting his artistry.’

If this movie critic’s review is any indication, I won’t be watching it; don’t take the kiddies if you choose to.

Tip of the Hat: headlines at Big Hollywood

Watchmen

by Allen Moore

Seeing as how the screen adaptation of The Watchmen is coming out in a month, I decided to see what all the hubbub is about and got me a copy.

Something to keep in mind whilst reading my review: the mini-series already had two strikes in my mind. Strike 1 was the fact that, if you cannot tell by my previous comic book posts, I am a rather rabid Marvel zombie (as opposed to a Marvel, a Zombie, or that other kind of Marvel Zombie); the whole experrience of buying something from DC felt what I imagine is the feeling one gets from cheating on one’s wife with her uglier, less interesting sister, kind of icky. The second strike is the fact that the author, Alan Moore, is (to use the English term) a nutter. I’m not sure whether he is part of the Satannic branch of Gnosticism (I cannot remember where I read that) or if he does really worship that snake “god” like the wiki article declares, but my previous, diluted exposure to his work makes me wary of anything that could have his name on it. In fact, I once declared I am never going to see a movie based off of Moore’s work again after seeing Constantine (starring Keanu “I Know Kung-Fu” Reeves), based loosely off of the Moore created character, John Constantine. In other words, one might want to take this with a grain of salt.

After reading this miniseries, I now have some DC examples of comic book liberalism; in fact, the Watchmen could be argued as the turning point from super heroics to the modern comic book decadence phenomenon. This is one of those good/horrible works. It is a masterly crafted opus about horrible stuff (my classic examples are the films A Clockwork Orange and The Fly (1986), if you are interested). This is Moore’s twisted vision on how super heros would be able to resolve the Cold War, with 6 different ultimately irredeemable perspectives (milquetoast, self-gratification, the cynic, psychosis, god complex, and intellectualism). The gratuitous pro-lesbianism and pornography scenes (the Joey character, for instance) is off-putting, too.This was the kind of book that offended me the whole way through, yet I was unable to put it down.

This is not a book for the young ones (though, if Wikipedia is correct, Moore thinks it is). Depending on how much they dilute the source material, the movie is not for the young ones, either. If you can stomach it, it is worth the read.

The new Thunderbolts team came out today.

Honestly outside of Black Widow (Belova), the dumbest ret-con I have seen in quite a while, and Ant-Man, I have no idea who these new Thunderbolts are. She was vaporized during New Avengers Annual #1; Marvel did not even bother to use the latest ret-con (claim the vaporized Widow was a Skrull…). Stupid! I want to claim shenanigans!

On the plus side, this the quite possibly the most critical examination of Mr. Obama anywhere in the mainstream media. He’s elitist and oh, so easily manipulated. Osborne has Obama eating out of his hand, turning Doc Samson into the bad guy in our naive President’s eyes for the psychic incident in Thunderbolt Mountain a while back. It’s beautiful. Osborne using his new Thunderbolts to sabotage Air Force One to frame Samson is diabolical genius.

Let’s see if they turn this around to make Obama look smart. I hope not.

Read this (comic) book!