Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, wish to announce that I have set the city of Copenhagen on fire for hosting a conference on climate bullying. Since it is Advent, I roasted chestnuts on that fiery blaze while delivering blazing hot roundhouse kicks to those firemen foolish enough to try and stop my inferno of justice. The chestnuts were delicious. Excessive burning of carbon dioxide makes the sweetest sauce.

As the dutiful head-of-state for the mighty Kingdom of Texas, I attended this conference in an effort to crush those fools into submission for daring to rise against Western civilization. In retrospect, I should have realized that no amount of persuasion or pain would cause the environmentalists to repent of their ways. If the CRU e-mail scandal on top of the mounting evidence that anthropomorphic global warming is just a peyote-induced hallucination was not enough to change their minds, seeing me kick the brains out of leading ‘climate change’ ‘scientists’ would not do it either.

While I am happy that I won the “Highest Carbon Footprint to Attend” Award (I rode in on a ICBM-pulled sleigh), it seemed a little silly to be giving out an award like that to begin with. I mean, the losers combined carbon dioxide emissions was 40,584 tons. Do they not think carbon dioxide is the enemy?

For the sins of hypocrisy, stupidity, and anti-human sentiments, I made the streets of Copenhagen run red with blood and fire. Oppose these ‘climate change’ fools, or prepared to be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.


Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“So, my fellow head-of-state Obama has still not released his original birth certificate? As it is his spawning day, I demand that he do so, to inform the world that he is actually an alien!

No, not the “born in Kenya” type alien. I concur with Lou Dobbs that Obama was birthed in Hawaii. I mean an extraterrestrial alien! Using my X-ray vision and my intimate understanding of human genetics, I have determined that Barack Obama lineage is not from this world! Why else does he hide the birth certificate from the public eye?

I am well-versed in intergalatic travel and have seen this kind of thing before. Alien embryos are implanted into native women to get around a planet’s immigration law or for other forms of subterfuge. The babies are then raised in the ways of it’s true species via implanted information chips. Since our Constitution has no genetic qualifications to serve as President, Obama should admit to his true species to the world. If he does not, the streets will run a blueish-grey (which is the color Obama’s blood will be when exposed to oxygen) in my efforts to prove it!

Your present (a face-melting roundhouse kick) will be delivered when you least expect it. If your species is not used to natal day gift exchanges, understand it is part of our culture.

So, admit to your alien origins, Obama, or prepared to be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, am infuriated at this dreaded ‘Obamacare’ those dastardly Commies in Washington are wanting to foist upon my independent nation! I, in my near infinite wisdom, have come up with 7 reasons why I shall hunt down and slay those who would dare subjugate my citizens with this health service:

  • “First, universal health care unwisely is being rushed.” No mere group of mortals can even read this bill in the time those Reds are giving them. I, who can read 1,000,000,000 words a minute, have still not finished the bill, and I have been reading it non-stop since last Tuesday!
  • “Second, universal health care clearly would drive [America] deeper into debt, which is being progressively purchased by foreign powers without any concern by Washington to stop it.” I wish to conquer those United States for the glory of the Kingdom of Texas, not have to buy it from the Chinese!
  • “Third, universal health care would impersonalize health care and ration medical services.” The streets will run red with the blood of the elderly as the bureaucrats will decide to pay for Botox treatments for teen-aged tarts instead of saving your grandmother!
  • “Fourth, universal health care ultimately would limit the competitive market of health care.” A public option will destroy the private ones since medical insurance companies, unlike me, cannot resist the might of the US military, which could be used to force them to follow industry-crushing regulations and taxation.
  • “Fifth, universal health care ultimately would transform legislators into quasi health care practitioners.” Can you trust a Congressman to understand which type of heart surgery is the most medically expedient one? I can’t.
  • “Sixth, universal health care would increase big government, and America would continue on the slippery slope toward socialism.” Increasing government means increasing bureaucratic power Bureaucrats are greedy, lazy, and conniving! No government that has relied on bureaucrats to operate them have been able to stop them from stealing and wasting money! That is why the Kingdom of Texas is run entirely by me!
  • And, Seventh, since the government has decided that my tears would be the most cost effective treatment for cancer, they are going to spend trillions of dollars and lives to try and capture me! Then, in their pipe dream that they could succeed in bringing me to “justice”, they will try to make me cry! I will be forced to mercilessly slaughter a bunch of innocents to maintain my freedom. While it will be easy to do so, it is a hassle I do not wish to put up with, if it is avoidable. After all, those men would be useful once the Kingdom of Texas has conquered those United States. It would be a shame to waste them so.

So, oppose the Obamacare, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, am infuriated at the gall those God-hating heathens have by suing those United States for wanting to engrave the Pledge of Allegiance at the Capitol Visitor Center. Next, they’ll be wanting to use the pagan spelling of Center!

In my Kingdom of Texas, we have banished heathenry in all it’s insidious forms: atheism, Mohammadeanism, Siddarthanism, Jainism, even the ever-increasing cult of Chuck Norris. Let me state again, I am not God, I am just one of His implements of wrath! The streets have run red with the blood of those who falsely worship me as a god!

I plan to personally carve the Pledge of Allegiance and the entire Bible in every language ever written on Earth into the Capitol Visitor Center when I visit to accept America’s surrender to the Kingdom of Texas!

Who can dare oppose me? Stan Lee created Galactus after watching me eat most of Pluto as a midnight snack. I consumed so much of it, in fact, that astronomers designated Pluto as a “dwarf planet” after seeing what little I left (some comets flew by and I could not resist their gooey caramel center). Of course, when he tried to use the Ultimate Nullifier on me while I wailed on him for disturbing my nighttime noshing, I laughed it off. Stan Lee put Galactus in a girly purple dress (and made him considerably weaker than I am) to spite me. I crush his fingers nightly (and reassemble them in the morning) until he recants from his design scheme.

Anyways, crush the heathen trying to disparage those United States divine guidance, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“Obama is using the secret society known as the Federal Reserveto bolster tyrannical Mohammadeans in Iran! This madness has to stop!

I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, have used my beard’s telepathic powers to determine that Obama is using the Federal Reserve’s intrest rate manipulation to fund the Ayatollah’s protest suppression program. The streets of Iran are running red with the blood of the saner pagans in Tehran and Obama is contributing to the flow!

He is just like Carter! I roundhouse kicked Carter for failing America back in the day. If it were not for the miles of Secret Service guards protecting him, I surely would have crushed him into powder with the blow I delivered! As it is, hundreds of thousands of good men assigned to protect the cretin died and Carter was only given permanent brain damage. I am sorry, my subjects, for indirectly causing Carter to cozy up to Hamas.

And the Federal Reserve is unconstitutional, anyways! When I conquer D.C. for my kingdom, I will make sure to topple that corrupt, secret regime that is assisting Obama in destroying America’s credit score! That blood will be on your hands too, Obama, if you do not stop that monetary Illuminati first!

Defeat the Iranian death-cult and the Federal Reserve, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“The Kingdom of Texas stands in solidarity with Catholic Answers! They are rebelling against the Internal Revenue Service, who has demanded they sacrifice 47 virgins to Mammon for daring to say that John Kerry should have been excommunicated in 2004. I say nay to income taxes!

Income taxes are the scourge of the earth! They and everyone who supports them should be burned; the street will run red with the corpses of people who think paying taxes is patriotic! My beard’s fire breath WILL consume any taxmen I come across, but we need to help others who wish to oppose their terrible regime! I will supply weapons and martial arts training to any Catholic who wishes to maim and exterminate the auditor infestation in those United States!

Who can oppose me? Ninjas, being jealous of how I am better than them in every way, attack me at every sunrise! I easily defeat them and then eat their succulent brains and hearts for breakfast! They are tasty and I enjoy eating them!

The Founding Fathers offered some muskets when I told them of my plan, which I respectfully declined. They need those guns to kill Lobsterbacks; we need bazookas to kill IRS bloodsuckers.

So, kill the IRS menance in your midst, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, have been made aware that some people are scared of Barack Obama. You are fools! You should not be afraid of Obama, you should be filled to the brim with righteous wrath! The streets should run red with the blood of Obama’s government for the insults he regularly unleashes upon my former country!

You need some reasons to boil your blood with red-hot ire? Here are some of mine:

  • “[He initiates] more government borrowing and bailouts than all presidents combined, [then requires] Congress to follow a system that is “pay-as-you-go.”
  • [He] really [does] believe that going into massive amounts of debt can remedy [their] economy in the long run.
  • [His] actions don’t reflect the federal governmental constraints and fiscally prudent principles of our Founding Fathers and Constitution.
  • [He] repeatedly still play the blame game with the Bush administration but never blame the Clinton administration, even though it was responsible for the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac subprime fiasco via the proliferation of loans to unqualified borrowers.
  • [He buys and runs] the banking, automobile and (soon) health industries with taxpayers’ money but [refuses] to call it socialism.
  • [He claims] to be a fighter for minorities and the promises of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness yet [does] not defend the unborn. What greater minority is there than those in the womb, against whom [he] already [has] enacted more [pro-infanticide] laws than anyone since the Roe v. Wade decision?
  • [He promises] to defend the U.S. against all potential enemies yet [pacifies] those harboring terrorists, [fights] for the rights of combative detainees, and [enables] the enemies of Israel.
  • [He denies] America’s Judeo-Christian heritage before other countries of the world, espousing “the promise of a secular nation” during an age in which religious revisionism is on the rise.
  • [His] media team (including the mainstream media) seeks to label as radical, quarantine socially or in some way penalize any opposing conservative voices (such as conservative talk show hosts, news agencies, columnists and actors, such as Jon Voight).
  • [His] media team does not address or diminish in any way [his] deification before the world, epitomized by the editor of Newsweek who stated this past week on Chris Matthews’ MSNBC show: “In a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above the world. He’s sort of God.” (How much scarier can it get than representative statements like that in a republic that once stood for a balance among political powers and a government “by the people, for the people”?)”

For every one of these offenses to our Founding Fathers and my former countrymen, I will strike Obama down with the power of 100 million exploding suns! That’s 100 times the power of the Sentry! Who can oppose me?

Stop fearing Obama, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.