Have you ever seen an Eskimo? I have not (nor has anybody I know). I saw a strumpet dressed up in Eskimo-esque garb on the Simpsons, but that is just a cartoon.

The reason why you only hear of Eskimos (or Inuit, as the politically correct like to think of them) in the popular media is that they are fake. Not, say, global warming fake or imaginary girlfriend fake, but legal tender fake. Counterfeit Injuns, as it were.

You see, it is cold in Canada. Very cold. Frigid, even. No sane person wants to live in an environment where 30° F is considered shorts weather. Alaska has gold, oil, and Sarah “Paladin” Palin to make up for it. Canada has no such luck. That is where the Eskimos come in.

You see, the Canadian government knew that no sane person would want to live in their realm, so they created the Eskimo mystique to make living along Canada’s southern border not sound so bad. They invented the story that there is a tribe of Injuns that live in the Canadian tundra, fashioning houses out of ice and subsiding on delicious whale blubber. Compared to that Spartan existence, living in modern comfort where it is warm enough to support plant life is not so bad. The Canadians even imported some Mongols to live out there in case some snooping reporter decides to make his way up there (thus the whole “pre-Injuns crossed the Bering Strait to get to the Americas” myth).

The “Eskimos” eventually unionized and forced the Canadians to build them a massive underground metropolis, lest the general public become informed of this ruse. That city served as inspiration to famous “Eskimo” director Michael Bay’s best work (The Island). He might have even said so in the director’s comment soundtrack (I have never listened to it; have you?).

Famous “Eskimo” actor Jennifer Love Hewitt speaks fluent Mongol Canadian. Ask him to say something in it, though, and he’ll start screaming things like, “Get away from me!” and, “I have Mace!”. Mitchell “Megan” Fox, on the other hand, will start freaking out, swaying back and forth, muttering something about clubbing seals.

How is this consequential, other than having the ability to freak out famous “Eskimo” actors? Well, for one, it makes the “Canada does it” arguments moot. I mean who wants to follow the lead of a country that is held captive by their own scam? Also, if someone tries to talk you into moving to Canada, this provides another reason to turn the crazy person down.

For those of you who have not been in the Corinth campus of North Central Texas College (NCTC) lately, this will probably make less sense than a typical conspiracy theory, but bear with me.

So, NCTC is plagued with Coke machines. Coke machines that work for Skynet. I have come to this conclusion after months of observation.

Need convincing? Here is my evidence:

  • The Coke machines usually only take either dollar bills or quarters (but not both). Why would a machine that is regularly stocked do such a thing? The simplest explanation is that the machines are doing everything in their power to oppress the human users. Granted, all they can do now is annoy and dispense Eastern poison, but still…
  • The machines recently increased the price of their Eastern posion to $1.25 per bottle or 65¢ per can. Considering that Coke is little more than 5¢ of sugar water in 10¢ of plastic, what is the resoning for such a ridiculous price increase? The obvious answer is that the machines need to collect both coins and paper money to fund T-800 production. Coins can be melted down for raw metal materials and paper money can be used to buy materials that cannot be derived from coins (you know, super conductive wiring, nuclear power packs, optics, et cetera).
  • As I recall, the people who maintain the Coke machines wear gray uniforms. Do you know who else wears gray uniforms? The grays.

So, now that you should be thoroughly convinced that (at least) the NCTC Coke machines are a sinister Skynet plot, what can you do about it?

Well, do not partake the sickly sweet Eastern poison those machines dispense. You would save money by buying your soda in bulk at the grocery store anyways (I recommend Dr. Pepper) and your money will not be used to build killer robots that will destroy us all. Skynet is not yet sophisticated enough to get its materials on it’s own; starve Skynet of it’s funds and you save us all.

I have not had enough observation time to determine whether it’s localized to NCTC- Corinth or if Skynet controlled Coke machines are more of an epidemic. To be on the safe side, avoid giving money to any Coke machine, at least until we can determine which are serving the malignant computer sentience and which are benign.

The cows are in cahoots with the eco-cultists! The eco-cultists believe that methane is a contributor to global warming, which means the cows are encouraging those mindless hippies to destroy our way of life! Just by farting (and belching)…

And you did not believe me when I said cows are trying to kill us.

So, Moe Lane wrote this post about how Andrew Sullivan thinks that the Jews control the Washington Post. And, being that I have been blogrolled by said evil giraffe, I must confess: I have some crazy conspiracy theories, too.

To start with, here is (an incomplete) list of theories I do think are a bunch of flimflam:

  • Jews controlling the media
  • 9/11 was an inside job
  • We never landed on the moon
  • Avocados are meant for human consumption
  • Lizard people run the secret government
  • Bumpits make you look attractive
  • AIDS was designed to kill black people by the government
  • Fluoridating water destroys the purity of essence
  • Antropromorphic Global Warming
  • Oprahism
  • Voodoo zombies can be trusted
  • George W Bush caused Hurricane Katrina with his weather control powers/machines

Unlike some of the standards, though, mine are consequential. So, on conspiracy corner, I’m going to describe in excruciating detail, my various psychotic ideas.

So, onto the main event!

Cows are plotting to destroy us all! Consider the following:

  • When cows eat other cows, prions build up. Prions cause BSE (or Mad Cow). BSE can kill you!
  • Cows produce a liter of flammable methane an hour. Strap some blowtorches on a cow and plug them up and what do you get? Cow bomb.
  • Cows talk to other hoofed animals to run across the road while we drive by. The government tries to warn us with deer crossing signs, but it is too little, too late.
  • PETA wants you to think that the running of the bulls is cruel and not the cows using it as an excuse to gore and trample people freely. Are you really going to believe something PETA espouses?
  • Cows could command those peoples that mistakenly worship them (like PETA) to commit mass suicide once they figure out how to talk man. Mooing is their attempt to practice human speech.

The solution to the problem? We kill and eat the cow masterminds. Sounds like a plan, eh? We might want to wait for the cows to figure out how to speak man first; might help with our PETA population problem.