Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: What’s Taking So Long?

November 24, 2009


Barack Obama bursts into the Secret Cabinet meeting room. He is not pleased. Yew Man is buried neck deep in rich loam in the corner, though he is missing his left eye and most of his face. The Hollywood Shambler is desperately reaching out of his cage, trying to snack a passerby and eat his brains. Steam Moose is passed out in the cage, all of the squirrels trapped in his chassis either eaten or dead. And Professor Key-Os is starring at his teleprompter.

“It’s been over 4 months since I announced my plans to reduce carbon emissions, you ingrates! I’ve won a Nobel Peace Prize by dressing up as Eugene Debs, lost the Olympics by dressing up as Oprah, played a Japanese geisha for a week, and dressed up like the political philosopher Chairman Mao to amuse the Chinese. What is taking so long? Why is Yew Man half dead and potted? Why have you not refilled Steam Moose’s squirrels? Where is Red Mobster? And why do you have my teleprompter?”

“To answer your questions. Yew Man got into a fight with Nancy Pelosi’s Wax Golem. He killed the thing, but was severely dehydrated and Pelosi ate most of his face. She finally mailed him back here a week ago and I was told to plant and water him to get him back to some semblance of good health. Red Mobster and I got the idea to get Congress to do the heavy lifting on your project, so Red Mobster went to petition Pelosi.”

“Was this before or after Yew Man caused trouble?” Obama interuppted.

“Before. Anyways, Pelosi asked him to arm-twist the Blue Dogs and I have not seen him since. Steam Moose’s screams were getting annoying and I wanted to get some peace and quite while trying to finish my round of interviews for Femi-Nazi’s slot. And, at your request, I am trying to interview your teleprompter. It keeps signaling that I should read it’s responses out load, but I refuse on the grounds that it is retarded. Anything else, fearless leader?”

“No. That pretty much answers all my questions.”

“A geisha, you say?”

“I do not want to talk about it.’

***

Red Mobster is still frozen in fear, but the sight of the Blue Dog Coalition’s offices added confusion to the paralysis. The walls were pastel blue, with knock-off pictures of Huckleberry Hound painted here and there. The Blue Dogs were dressed in diapers, drinking bottles and taking nap-times. Aides read them letters from constituents telling them what good boys and girls they are. In one corner, they had a sticker board showing positive and negative feedback (represented by smiley and frowny faces). There were a lot of frowny faces, with more being added by the day. No one bothered the crimson criminal as he stood gaping at the entryway.

Suddenly, the Congressmen started to cry. It was Barack Obama walking up behind him.

“Stop being such a scaredy cat and force them to vote our way. You think these aides let those man-babies play with guns? Get in there!” Obama shoves the scarlet scalawag into the nursery.

“Yeah…, see… You gonna vote the way I tell you… see… or ‘m gonna…”

“Hush,” one of the aides scolded, “You’ll scare the poor things. Look how many frowny faces they have gotten from constituents lately. They know it’s because of the ObamaCare bill and they do not want to be forced into something else their constituents don’t want. Can’t you see how on edge they are? Shoo.”

“But Nancy Pelosi, see…”

The light whimpering from the Congressmen turned into full-on wailing.

“Pelosi scary! She eats babies! Wah!”

“Now you done it. They are going to have nightmares for weeks now.”

“Meh, I didn’t…”

“You’ve done enough harm to their self-esteem. Go bother someone else.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

Looks like the Cabinet failed yet again. ObamaCare is costing too much political capital right now to get the ambitious 17% of 1776 emissions plan implemented. The moral of the story: Don’t sit on your hands for a quarter.

Tune in next week to find out who won our little sidebar poll (Voting ends next installment). And be prepared for quite possibly the dumbest, craziest arc yet, with guest stars galore! And a possible theme song!

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