Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: The Waxman Dieth

August 7, 2009


Yew Man awakens to find Professor Key-Os pouring over the arcane, malevolent ritual he will need to use to contact his next interviewee, Frank Lloyd Wright, master practitioner of the dark architectural arts. You cannot exactly use a telephone to call a man dead and residing in the dark dimension evil architects go to once they slump over their drafting boards for the last time. Seeing what he will have to do, he is looking forward to this even less than having to talk to Sotomayor again.

“Where’s The Red Mobster, Professor Key-Os?”

“He is talking to Pelosi. He might still be there.”

“What? You sold Mother Gaia out! Have you seen how ineffective that bill will be in reducing carbon!”

“I’m sorry, but Keynesian economics and collective bargaining cannot see a way to justify a global warming bill…”

“Whatever. I’m going to put a stop to this!”

***

Yew Man misses confronting the Red Mobster by 5 minutes. He storms into Pelosi’s office, not even bothering to notice the strewn bones of cannibalized children. Seething with rage, he kicks down the ornate, mahogany doors, stained with bloody hand prints and let’s out a blood-curdling battle cry, “For Mother Gaia!”

“My child, what is with this temper tantrum? Here, have a hard candy.”

He bats the old-timey confection aside.

Pelosi’s eyes narrow. “Now that was just rude.’

‘You will stop these assaults against Mother Gaia and stand for real climate change prevention. Collecting money from small businesses in some cap and trade scheme is not enough. You must ban concrete, internal combustion engines, conception, and toilet paper now!”

“I’m sorry, child, but I have no desire to anger the concrete, automotive, abortion, and toilet paper industries by banning those things. They help to pay for all this you see before you. If you wish to talk civilly and submit to my will, you can come back later. Now shoo; it’s time for Grandma Pelosi to eat a snack.’ She hungrily eyes her granddaughter, now missing her forearm.

Yew Man fires a crossbow bolt into Pelosi’s eye. It leaks some greyish goo, which Pelosi excitedly licks as it drips near her mouth. “Henry, take care of this valued voter for me. I must clean myself up.” She grabs her granddaughter by the hair and drags her into the next room.

The waxen creature hovers over the environmental cyborg. Yew Man reloads and fires a barrage of bolts at it. It shapes itself in such a way that the bolts fly harmlessly by.

“Uh oh.”

Whack. The golem hits Yew Man hard.

Yew Man flies across the room, smashing into a pile of bones. He struggles to get up on his feet. The waxen creature moves into position, preparing to hit him again.

Whack. Yew Man is sent through a wall. The creature does not follow him out of Pelosi’s chamber. Yew Man gets up to his feet, straining for breath. Some of his Yew armor is cracked, branches split and trunks distressed. It will take him a long time to nurse his armor back to health. But he has to stop Pelosi to save Mother Earth. And there is only one way to do it. He opens up his chest plate, already partially broken by the waxy blows, to reveal his sap-beam projector.

Yew Man jumps through the hole his body created. The creature prepares to hit him again. Seconds before contact, Yew Man fires an amber-colored beam at the fist-shaped wax; the creature could not evade the blast. It is launched at the opposite wall.

The sappy goo hardens on contact, trapping the wax man under a foot-thick wall of rock-hard amber. The waxen creature sags under the weight, lifeless.

The champion of Gaia collapses, severely dehydrated and completely spent.

“My office!” Pelosi emerges from her back room with an eye patch covering the still healing wound. She sees the now dead and worthless wax man. “My golem!”

A thin, dry voice weakly cries out, “Water…”

“You’ll pay for this!”

***

How will Pelosi avenge her fallen golem? How will the Red Mobster pressure the “Blue Dogs”? How will Professor Key-Os fare against the malevolent force of Frank Lloyd Wright? Find out next time!

And be sure to vote on Femi-Nazi’s replacement, if you have not already. Check the sidebar.

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2 Responses to “Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: The Waxman Dieth”


  1. You know that with her special voodoo powers, a [fecal matter] load of wax from the “lifeless corpse,” and the bones of hundreds of children my superior can simply create another golem…
    Your troubles are far from over Chuck Norris!!!
    Muahahahahaha!!!!!

  2. liberexmachina Says:

    Nope.

    The wax is stuck to the foot-thick amber shell via a massive amount of molecular bonds (similar chemical structures). The brainless creature is no more.


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