Conspiracy Corner: Eskimos Are a Canadian Government Construct

July 30, 2009

Have you ever seen an Eskimo? I have not (nor has anybody I know). I saw a strumpet dressed up in Eskimo-esque garb on the Simpsons, but that is just a cartoon.

The reason why you only hear of Eskimos (or Inuit, as the politically correct like to think of them) in the popular media is that they are fake. Not, say, global warming fake or imaginary girlfriend fake, but legal tender fake. Counterfeit Injuns, as it were.

You see, it is cold in Canada. Very cold. Frigid, even. No sane person wants to live in an environment where 30° F is considered shorts weather. Alaska has gold, oil, and Sarah “Paladin” Palin to make up for it. Canada has no such luck. That is where the Eskimos come in.

You see, the Canadian government knew that no sane person would want to live in their realm, so they created the Eskimo mystique to make living along Canada’s southern border not sound so bad. They invented the story that there is a tribe of Injuns that live in the Canadian tundra, fashioning houses out of ice and subsiding on delicious whale blubber. Compared to that Spartan existence, living in modern comfort where it is warm enough to support plant life is not so bad. The Canadians even imported some Mongols to live out there in case some snooping reporter decides to make his way up there (thus the whole “pre-Injuns crossed the Bering Strait to get to the Americas” myth).

The “Eskimos” eventually unionized and forced the Canadians to build them a massive underground metropolis, lest the general public become informed of this ruse. That city served as inspiration to famous “Eskimo” director Michael Bay’s best work (The Island). He might have even said so in the director’s comment soundtrack (I have never listened to it; have you?).

Famous “Eskimo” actor Jennifer Love Hewitt speaks fluent Mongol Canadian. Ask him to say something in it, though, and he’ll start screaming things like, “Get away from me!” and, “I have Mace!”. Mitchell “Megan” Fox, on the other hand, will start freaking out, swaying back and forth, muttering something about clubbing seals.

How is this consequential, other than having the ability to freak out famous “Eskimo” actors? Well, for one, it makes the “Canada does it” arguments moot. I mean who wants to follow the lead of a country that is held captive by their own scam? Also, if someone tries to talk you into moving to Canada, this provides another reason to turn the crazy person down.


5 Responses to “Conspiracy Corner: Eskimos Are a Canadian Government Construct”

  1. Clearly you misunderstand the power that is WAX MAN!!! WAX MAN has multiple superiors… In addition to the leader of the lower legislative body in the United States, WAX MAN also serves the leader of the lower legislative body in Canada: Stephen Harper!!! Mongolian Eskimo children give him the runs, therefore I seek to provide him with “Good Ole’ Southern Cooked” children as a bribe so that he may tell us how he has successfully given his office (the equivalent of Pelosi’s) the power of a U.S. president, and how he is able to fool his subjects into thinking universal health care is good!!! Muahahahahaha!!!!!
    THE WAX MAN COMETH FOR TEXAS AND WILL SOON SUBJUGATE IT UNDER CANADA (which by the way, has never had a girlfriend)!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  2. liberexmachina Says:

    Obviously, you need to cut down on the glue sniffing, paste eating, and other epoxy substance abuse.

    Stephen Harper is not a cannibal and you are the possession of Nancy Pelosi. Why in the world would she loan you to an opposition party leader? In fact, Harper is trying to cut back on Canadian universal health care. I’d tell you to get your facts straight, but that would require the ability to think.

    And why bring up the fact that Canada has never had a girlfriend? Is that not adding insult to injury?

  3. It’s called diplomacy and international trade. We kowtow to pressure from other countries. So what if we’re not smart enough to realize that the “enlightened” Canadian PM is actually against socialized health care?
    We will win, you see, and Chuck Norris will NEVER STOP US!!!

  4. liberexmachina Says:

    Since Stephen Harper is not a cannibal, why would he be pressuring you to feed him American children? If you were just mindlessly kowtowing to international pressure, why is your mistress pushing for universal health care? The international community relies on our (relatively) free-market health care system to create new techniques and to treat their super-rich. If we socialize (like they have), then medical R ‘n’ D is a dead industry.

    Maybe your mistress is projecting?

    How can you win if you cannot even correctly identify your enemies? Fail!

  5. Proof that my superior wishes more than just her grandchildren to feast upon!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: