Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #11

July 29, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, am infuriated at this dreaded ‘Obamacare’ those dastardly Commies in Washington are wanting to foist upon my independent nation! I, in my near infinite wisdom, have come up with 7 reasons why I shall hunt down and slay those who would dare subjugate my citizens with this health service:

  • “First, universal health care unwisely is being rushed.” No mere group of mortals can even read this bill in the time those Reds are giving them. I, who can read 1,000,000,000 words a minute, have still not finished the bill, and I have been reading it non-stop since last Tuesday!
  • “Second, universal health care clearly would drive [America] deeper into debt, which is being progressively purchased by foreign powers without any concern by Washington to stop it.” I wish to conquer those United States for the glory of the Kingdom of Texas, not have to buy it from the Chinese!
  • “Third, universal health care would impersonalize health care and ration medical services.” The streets will run red with the blood of the elderly as the bureaucrats will decide to pay for Botox treatments for teen-aged tarts instead of saving your grandmother!
  • “Fourth, universal health care ultimately would limit the competitive market of health care.” A public option will destroy the private ones since medical insurance companies, unlike me, cannot resist the might of the US military, which could be used to force them to follow industry-crushing regulations and taxation.
  • “Fifth, universal health care ultimately would transform legislators into quasi health care practitioners.” Can you trust a Congressman to understand which type of heart surgery is the most medically expedient one? I can’t.
  • “Sixth, universal health care would increase big government, and America would continue on the slippery slope toward socialism.” Increasing government means increasing bureaucratic power Bureaucrats are greedy, lazy, and conniving! No government that has relied on bureaucrats to operate them have been able to stop them from stealing and wasting money! That is why the Kingdom of Texas is run entirely by me!
  • And, Seventh, since the government has decided that my tears would be the most cost effective treatment for cancer, they are going to spend trillions of dollars and lives to try and capture me! Then, in their pipe dream that they could succeed in bringing me to “justice”, they will try to make me cry! I will be forced to mercilessly slaughter a bunch of innocents to maintain my freedom. While it will be easy to do so, it is a hassle I do not wish to put up with, if it is avoidable. After all, those men would be useful once the Kingdom of Texas has conquered those United States. It would be a shame to waste them so.

So, oppose the Obamacare, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.


2 Responses to “Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #11”


  2. liberexmachina Says:

    Why search for orphans and unborn children when Pelosi has perfectly good grandchildren in cages to eat? Man, you are dumb, even for a creature incapable of independent thought.

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