Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #10

July 21, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, am infuriated at the gall those God-hating heathens have by suing those United States for wanting to engrave the Pledge of Allegiance at the Capitol Visitor Center. Next, they’ll be wanting to use the pagan spelling of Center!

In my Kingdom of Texas, we have banished heathenry in all it’s insidious forms: atheism, Mohammadeanism, Siddarthanism, Jainism, even the ever-increasing cult of Chuck Norris. Let me state again, I am not God, I am just one of His implements of wrath! The streets have run red with the blood of those who falsely worship me as a god!

I plan to personally carve the Pledge of Allegiance and the entire Bible in every language ever written on Earth into the Capitol Visitor Center when I visit to accept America’s surrender to the Kingdom of Texas!

Who can dare oppose me? Stan Lee created Galactus after watching me eat most of Pluto as a midnight snack. I consumed so much of it, in fact, that astronomers designated Pluto as a “dwarf planet” after seeing what little I left (some comets flew by and I could not resist their gooey caramel center). Of course, when he tried to use the Ultimate Nullifier on me while I wailed on him for disturbing my nighttime noshing, I laughed it off. Stan Lee put Galactus in a girly purple dress (and made him considerably weaker than I am) to spite me. I crush his fingers nightly (and reassemble them in the morning) until he recants from his design scheme.

Anyways, crush the heathen trying to disparage those United States divine guidance, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.


4 Responses to “Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #10”

  1. Tony G Says:

    Wax Man will take his vengeance on Texas, because unlike California, Texas had a legitimate republic before becoming a state. THUS angering the Wax Man. The streets will be coated in wax, making everything slippery and thus easier for Wax Man to conquer! Muahahahaha!

  2. liberexmachina Says:

    Somebody needs to cut down on the glue sniffing.

    Anybody that can put 2 and 2 together would know that Chuck Norris would kill Waxman with a thought as soon as he attempted to cross over the 5-mile thick walled border betwixt The Kingdom of Texas and those United States. Your Waxman’s pathetic eco-cultist powers (which would not have anything to do with wax; those are hydrocarbons and therefore “pollutants”, you know) are no match for the almost omnipotent and nigh invulnerable King Norris.

  3. Tony G Says:

    One clearly misunderstands the Eco-Cultist movement. Wax Man and his eco-cultists only like nature when it’s cute, cuddly, and pretty — thus he will coat all “pretty” nature in wax, to preserve it’s prettiness. And nothing can stop him… Muahahahahaha!!! He will begin his rampage in Texas, first attacking Austin, since everyone in San Francisco is now covered in the wax-like substance known as “botox.” Surely if this “King” Norris could stop him, he would have by now. This goes to show how infinitely inferior Chuck Norris is to the Wax-Man!!! Muahahahahaha!!!!

  4. liberexmachina Says:

    Obviously you did not take my suggest to stop sniffing glue seriously. Before you know it, you’ll be eating paste, too.

    Eco-cultists are for non-pretty nature. Look that the breuhaha they made over Palin shooting wolves in helicopters. Or their attempts to fight climate change, which (if it even existed) does not exactly have a corporal form to fawn over. Anyways, eco-cultists perserve “prettiness” by preventing humanity from interacting with it, not by killing it with wax.

    Botox is a toxin derived from the anaerobes that bring you botulism. It is a quarernary protein, not a lipid. Obviously, your “Waxman” had nothing to do with liberals desire to vainly hide thier age. In fact, I would posit your “Waxman” is an inept (but otherwise normal) human being that you are projecting super powers on in vain hope that you will be saved from the trashing Philosopher King Chuck Norris will deliver unto you for not being loyal enough to the great Kingdom of Texas.

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