Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #10
July 21, 2009
Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:
“I, Chuck Norris, am infuriated at the gall those God-hating heathens have by suing those United States for wanting to engrave the Pledge of Allegiance at the Capitol Visitor Center. Next, they’ll be wanting to use the pagan spelling of Center!
In my Kingdom of Texas, we have banished heathenry in all it’s insidious forms: atheism, Mohammadeanism, Siddarthanism, Jainism, even the ever-increasing cult of Chuck Norris. Let me state again, I am not God, I am just one of His implements of wrath! The streets have run red with the blood of those who falsely worship me as a god!
I plan to personally carve the Pledge of Allegiance and the entire Bible in every language ever written on Earth into the Capitol Visitor Center when I visit to accept America’s surrender to the Kingdom of Texas!
Who can dare oppose me? Stan Lee created Galactus after watching me eat most of Pluto as a midnight snack. I consumed so much of it, in fact, that astronomers designated Pluto as a “dwarf planet” after seeing what little I left (some comets flew by and I could not resist their gooey caramel center). Of course, when he tried to use the Ultimate Nullifier on me while I wailed on him for disturbing my nighttime noshing, I laughed it off. Stan Lee put Galactus in a girly purple dress (and made him considerably weaker than I am) to spite me. I crush his fingers nightly (and reassemble them in the morning) until he recants from his design scheme.
Anyways, crush the heathen trying to disparage those United States divine guidance, or you will be destroyed!”
The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.