Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: Gruel in Every Pot and A Cap-‘n’-Trade in Every…

July 7, 2009

“America must lead the way to reducing antropromorphic global warming. Climate change, we cannot believe in. So, with this cap and trade bill, I pledge to reduce our CO2 admissions to 17% of 1776 levels by 2012! Any questions? Yes, the reporter I have given the first question to?”

“Mr. Obama, can I seductively blow in your ears?”

Helen Thomas chimes in, “That’s gross. And why did you not give ME a question to ask, Mr. Obama?”

“Because you are creepy and old and I do not want to hear you ask me if you could blow into my ears.”

“Just as well, I’m not comfortable reading questions you have written for us. Reading is hard.”

The appointed reporter blows into Obama’s ear and strokes his face while he continues his press conference. Helen Thomas goes back to sleep.


When he steps into the meeting room of his Secret Cabinet, only Yew Man was pleased.

“Thank you, Obama, for joining the side of Mother Gaia!” Yew Man squels while hugging his leader’s leg.

“Meh, see. Most of my union workers are going to lose their jobs, see. And that means I’ll not longer be flush with union dues. Meh.”

“Your plan will only further hurt the economy. We need to increase government expenditures during a recession; increasing government inlays should only be done in good times.”

“BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINS!” moaned the Hollywood Shambler, still filled with the rotting flesh of ObamaCare informercial participants.

Steam Moose, being filled with squirrels and stuck in the Shambler’s cage, screams in agony, “Why, Teddy, why? Why did you install so many pain sensors into me? Why?”

“Alright, minions. I declared my goal. Make it happen. And start interviewing a replacement for Femi-Nazi. Make sure the candidates are less annoying than you.”


Obama starts to “look” for a replacement? The Secret Cabinet has to figure out how to reduce CO2 emissions down to pre-1776 levels? And what would 17% of 1776 CO2 emission levels be, exactly? Is that the sort of standard that can be claimed to have been made like “jobs created or saved”?

Some of these questions will be answered next time.


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