Conspiracy Corner: The Coke Machines at Work are Operated by Skynet

July 3, 2009


For those of you who have not been in the Corinth campus of North Central Texas College (NCTC) lately, this will probably make less sense than a typical conspiracy theory, but bear with me.

So, NCTC is plagued with Coke machines. Coke machines that work for Skynet. I have come to this conclusion after months of observation.

Need convincing? Here is my evidence:

  • The Coke machines usually only take either dollar bills or quarters (but not both). Why would a machine that is regularly stocked do such a thing? The simplest explanation is that the machines are doing everything in their power to oppress the human users. Granted, all they can do now is annoy and dispense Eastern poison, but still…
  • The machines recently increased the price of their Eastern posion to $1.25 per bottle or 65¢ per can. Considering that Coke is little more than 5¢ of sugar water in 10¢ of plastic, what is the resoning for such a ridiculous price increase? The obvious answer is that the machines need to collect both coins and paper money to fund T-800 production. Coins can be melted down for raw metal materials and paper money can be used to buy materials that cannot be derived from coins (you know, super conductive wiring, nuclear power packs, optics, et cetera).
  • As I recall, the people who maintain the Coke machines wear gray uniforms. Do you know who else wears gray uniforms? The grays.

So, now that you should be thoroughly convinced that (at least) the NCTC Coke machines are a sinister Skynet plot, what can you do about it?

Well, do not partake the sickly sweet Eastern poison those machines dispense. You would save money by buying your soda in bulk at the grocery store anyways (I recommend Dr. Pepper) and your money will not be used to build killer robots that will destroy us all. Skynet is not yet sophisticated enough to get its materials on it’s own; starve Skynet of it’s funds and you save us all.

I have not had enough observation time to determine whether it’s localized to NCTC- Corinth or if Skynet controlled Coke machines are more of an epidemic. To be on the safe side, avoid giving money to any Coke machine, at least until we can determine which are serving the malignant computer sentience and which are benign.

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