To California

May 21, 2009


[Editor’s Note: I do not think I am violating my 11th commandment rule over Schwarzenegger. And if you have a better translation for Schwarzenegger’s comedy gibberish, I would appreciate it.]

Femi-Nazi was not happy trudging through the Utah desert. ‘Obama gets honored by misogynist universities while I have to deliver weapons to other misogynists like some kind of errand girl? Oh, the shame’

She does not bother to acknowledge the Red Mobster as he is being dragged away from the direction of Arizona. She gets the pleasure of entering a different type of wasteland than McCain’s state-wide blue corn plantation. She gets to cut through California.

You see, outside of certain walled communities (like Hollywood, San Francisco, and Sacramento), California has had the appearance of  a post-apocalyptic wasteland. People scrounging for soylent green and eco-friendly batteries to power their electric death-scooters. Tattoos, body piercings, and hemp-based bladed weapons everywhere. Mega-animals (like 50 foot tall ants) crushing humanity with wild abandon. In other words, the “paradise” liberals try to build for the common man while they continue to enjoy the fruits of civilization.

And who rules over this haven for progressive policies? Why none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger, who challenges all who enters his liberal utopia.

“Wha-whoo Wha-whoo Wha-whoo,” spouts off the political behemoth, in classic Schwarzenegger “comedy” style.

“What?”

“Wha-woo Wha-whoo Wha-whoo”

“I don’t understand.”

A midget growing out of Schwarzenegger’s marijuana cow translates, “None shall pass.”

“Alright, take this!”

Femi-Nazi slams the nuclear device she was to deliver over Schwarzenegger’s head, cracking the casing and causing no apparent damage to the governor.

“Wha-whoo Wha-whoo, wha-whoo”

Schwarzenegger pulls out a broadsword made of hemp and starts swinging at her. She blocks the blade with the nuke, lodging it into the crack. He pulls out a Gatling Gun loaded with copies of his less successful movies (like 6th Day, Jingle All the Way, and I Shoot Your Face Again) on DVD. Femi-Nazi starts to run from the barrage of razor-sharp plastic discs, firing her Luger in Schwarzenegger’s general direction. The few bullets that lodged in the governor did not phase him. She jumps on the marijuana cow and gallops away.

***

The midget growing out of Femi-Nazi’s escape transportation screams, “You cannot defeat the mighty Schwarzenegger! He is invincible! He spend the monies allocated to purchase Soylent Blue to stick his brain in a T-800! Now return me to Schwarzenegger and face your Doom! DOOM!”

‘Now how did Sarah Connor kill the Terminator in those Terminator movies?’ though Femi-Nazi. The beginnings of a plan began to form in her head.

***

Back in Washington, Obama berates Femi-Nazi. “You left the nuke in California? With a crack in it?”

“I decided to let the Machines take over. That’s what Sarah Connor would do. At least that is what she would do if the Terminator series was re-made.”

“I’m surrounded by idiots.”

***

2 states nukes beyond recognition and one already destroyed from within. And no nukes delivered to the Mexican drug cartels. Will the Secret Cabinet complete any mission with success? Well, there is always a next time…

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