(Pathetic) Adventures in Board Games: Round 1, Part 1

April 21, 2009


The munchkins open up their packs. Clarence equipped a Sapphire Bane Ring, the Eye of Argon, and a Health Club. The club emitted a vital aura, granting Clarence an additional hit while he wields it. Thaddeus got a Scroll of Monster Attraction, the GM’s Notes, and a Summon Wall Potion. Warwick stuck his new Monster Repellent, Freezing Explosive Potion, and Wand of Dowsing in the appropriate receptacles. William got an Ugly Stick. At least it is better than a rock.

***

Clarence got to go first. Alphabetical order and all.

He first goes through the northern entrance. He enters a strange room, filled with crazy contraptions with arrows on the ground. A sign hovers over the middle of the room that reads: Level-O-Mat. In one of the corners, King Tut washes his 16 levels using one of the machines. It is too busy to notice the munchkin, who proceeds east through the door.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clarence falls on a spike. A red “-1” hovers over him for a bit. This confuses him. The hovering sign reads: Spiked Pit. There are ropes leading up to each exit.

But Clarence does not have time to exit, for he must face an Undead Horse. His clerical training prepared him to fight the undead (and type at 60 words per minute, but that is neither here nor there), so Clarence has quite the advantage. He mercilessly beats the Undead Horse with his health club, all the while using his cleric powers to remove the putrid bits. The horse topples.

Clarence is suddenly filled with power; a gold “Level 2″ hovers over his head”. The horse seems to have been replaced with a Potion on Monster Control and a Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment. Clarence greedily swipes them up, putting the Health Club in his pack. He wanders around the pit, looking for any additional swag and comes across 500 gold.

Picking up the gold, Clarence is frozen. The disembodied voice say, “That’s enough for ‘ou. Time for the others to get a chance.”

***

Before the next munchkin could begin, King Tut wanders into the Spiked Pit himself.

***

Thaddeus starts by going east. The room he enters is not a pretty one. Magical paintings are all along the room, depicting his most embarrassing moments. The room is distracting. A hovering sign reads: Hall of Shame.

Suddenly, Thaddeus is assaulted by Snails on Speed. Thaddeus yells, “Help!”. Warwick decides to assist. He throws his potion at the snails, while Thaddeus uses his notes; a golden “Level 2” hovers over his head. But their efforts were not enough. The Snails beat them. Red “-1” and “Level 1” hover over Thaddeus while a “-1” hovers over Warwick. They even drop all of their cards when the snails catches up with them for one final attack. They get back to the entrance, bruised and humiliated.

A smart munchkin probably would have stopped there. Thaddeus, however, was never accused of intelligence. He moves south. The room sign said Hall of Mirrors, like Thaddeus even needed to know. The room was covered in mirrors; there was no possible way for him to hide and backstab any enemy, the usual thief attack.

Suddenly, a Gazebo is upon him. Thaddeus has no idea what to do. How do you fight a gazebo? The gazebo mauls him pretty badly. A “-1” hovers over his head. He is so befuddled that he can’t even get away. The gazebo pounces on him as he tries to run back to the entrance; the last thing Thaddeus sees is a red “-2”. He is dead.

***

King Tut climbs the rope to get into the Hall of Shame (apparently, to meet up with the Snail on Speed). The Gazebo, being a gazebo, lurks in the Hall of Mirrors, waiting for it’s next victim.

***

Tune in next time for Round 1, Part 2.

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