Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #4

April 21, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, demand that we utterly destroy Somalia and all of the pirates therein for daring to attack ships that will eventually be taken by my Kingdom of Texas!

When the Founding Fathers asked me to travel back in time to defeat the Barbary pirates, I was only too glad to comply! The streets ran red from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli as I amused myself by kicking those dasterdly Mohammadeans through the Earth to fill up the palaces of that dead Aztec king! These new pirates are just as evil and just as deserving of the trashing my roundhouse kicks will provide!

America’s ships need better defensive weapons than riot gear! They need explosive-tipped bullets, flamethrowers, Greek fire, and my training! Any ship crew that wishes to swear fealty to me will be armed to the teeth with these weapons and be given more in exchange for Somali pirate or Okie heads!

Once I find the time between ruling my Kingdom and issuing Public Service Announcements, I will crush Somalia into powder! Until then, stop piracy or be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.


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