Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: To Texas

April 20, 2009

Yew Man was quite irate as he hauled the nuclear warhead he is to deliver to the Mexican drug lords. ‘How dare Obama ask me to perform such mundane tasks during one of Gaia’s most sacred weeks! And to support commercial farmers! Oh, the injustice! They rend at Gaia’s breast with their mechanical tools and for what? To get kids high! Why, a good day’s foraging will find plenty of hallucinogenic mushrooms to alter your mind with! When will we learn to stop taking from Gaia more than we need? We do not need automobiles, refrigeration, pasteurization, or grocery stores! If we die of food posioning, that is Gaia’s way.’

A giant wall interrupted Yew Man’s eco-rantings. It appeared to have no end from either side or above. A man in a cowboy hat was walking a ledge, wielding a assault rifle.

Yew Man calls to the cowboy, “Can you point me a way through this wall? I really must be getting along to Mexico.”

“Ya’ll best be turnin’ ‘rond, boy. Yer kind is not taken to kindly ’round here.”

“I realize Oklahoma is full of ignorant rubes that cannot appreciate Gaia quite like I, or any enlightened person can, but I still expect a certain level of courtesy.”

Yew Man would have continued, but the cowboy shot off his left ear.

“Next one goes between yer eyes, Yankee hippie.This is the Kingdom of Texas now.”

“But I am still 5 miles north of the Red River.”

“Our newly built wall is 5 miles thick; that is the minimum thickness our Philosopher-King, Chuck Norris, demanded. Now go away, or I will be forced to shoot you a second time.”

Yew Man runs away as fast as he could with the nuke in tow.


“It appears Texas seceded,” Yew Man informs Obama though a solar-powered cell phone. Good thing it is just sunny enough to power the cell phone, or Yew Man just might have hauled the nuke all the way to New Mexico, “Can I just come home now? Gaia deserves my attention.”

“Just use the nuke on the wall and I’ll deal with it later”


Yew Man gets a safe distance away and detonates the nuke. It does not even scratch the wall, but it does turn Oklahoma into a nuclear wasteland. ‘A net positive for the planet Earth, killing thousands of polluting humans and whatnot,’ Yew Man starts walking back to Washington, a song in his heart and his shot-off ear in a cup of ice.


One nuke down, three to go! Tune in next week!


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