Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #3

April 14, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“Tomorrow is ‘National Foreign Government Thievery Day’, and I want you, my loyal subjects, to be prepared! Those foreign devil-dogs in Washington, who have still not acknowledged my rightful place as Philosopher King of Texas, are going to try and steal your money. I demand that you follow these enumerated commands to the letter, lest you feel my wrath!:

  1. Check to make sure those scoundrels have not stolen your money from you already! If they have, use your fire breath to get it back from one of the roving ‘taxmen’!
  2. When the ‘taxman’ comes for your money, give him a roundhouse kick to the face, saying something appropriately smarmy like ‘Keep the Change!’! If he survives, you are pathetic and you should shoot him in the leg, running away screaming like a little girl!
  3. Whenever you see someone dressed like The Statue of Liberty,  jab some frog legs or a baguette through his face and say, ‘I’ll Keep My Money, Frenchie!’!
  4. If its Uncle Sam, hold him under citizen’s arrest until I can arrive! I’ll deal with him, personally!
  5. Join me at one of my TEA parties! There is one in Denton, TX (the home of happiness) from 6 PM until 7:30 PM at the courthouse on the square! Be sure to bring much tea, my proclamations, and many, many guns in case the taxman attempts to halt our party!
  6. Finally, do not worry! Soon, we will begin to subjugate the weaker states and ensure that proper Texans are never taxed again!

The streets will run red with the blood of many IRS taxmen, tomorrow! Who can oppose me? I can defeat M. Bison on the hardest setting without him so much as seeing me! And that’s with me using Dan, the lamest Street Fighter! I mean, he wears pink; how could he possibly possess the strength to win a fight without my overpowering strength flowing into the controller? How!?

So defeat the forces of the nefarious IRS, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.


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