Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: Nuclear Gangs

April 13, 2009


Obama sits in his Oval Office, sipping the traditional mug of minion’s blood out of a gem-encrusted goblet and enjoying the spectacle. Human blood has too much iron for his taste but the sight of children roasting before the altar to Egh-Y that his minions erected for the Spring Equinox Egg Roll brought tears to his eyes.

The fact that parents were throwing themselves on the fire confused him; on his planet, children were punishments set upon them by Egh-Y for not properly worshipping him. Every parent’s wish is to be allowed to sacrifice their children to Egh-Y. Unfortunately, his children evaded the sacrificial pyres this time, but more opportunities will be forthcoming.

‘Oh well’, thought Obama, ‘time to get back to work.’

***

His Secret Cabinet were arguing amongst themselves about what the next mission should be. Obama ignores them.

“You next mission is to smuggle nuclear weapons to the Mexican Drug Cartels.”

Steam Moose was the first one to interject, tied up to a desk chair and locked up with the Hollywood Shambler, “What? Are you crazy? Why give arms to a bunch of thugs that what to exploit and drug up America? And does that not go against your new pseudo-War on Drugs?”

“Quiet you, or we will fill up your chassis with squirrels again.”

The thought of squirrels gnawing on wires and trying to hide from an insatiable zombie cowered the steam-powered robot into submission.

“Why are we supporting commercial farmers? Commericial farming hurts Mother Gaia!”

“Those Mexicans hate women, with their telenovenas and their stance against parasite-prevention. I refuse!”

“Your public stance against nuclear weapons means we will not be spending money to replace and then continue to maintain those weapons. That is unsound fiscal policy.”

The Hollywood Shambler moaned something unintelligible.

“Quiet, all of you! You are not allowed to question my genius! You are only to do what you are told to do! Now get to it!”

***

Think they will succeed this time? Find out next week!

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