Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #2

March 26, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris…

“I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, demand that we build 200 mile high walls around the unsecured borders of my nation! I am tired of seeing persons unworthy of my protection such as Californians, Canadians, hippies, and Okies, diluting the relative awesomeness of my kingdom! Once I have my walls, complete with mounted death lasers, heated sulfuric acid vats, and spike pits, I shall crush those infestations from within! The streets of Texas will run red with the blood of her enemies until her enemies are no more!

I have secretly been training my border defending troops with all of the death-dealing martial arts and gun-having that their puny brains can contain and have been actively recruiting more! Any hippie that attempts to enter Texas shall meet their doom on the outer walls! Who can dare oppose me? The only reason Bruce Lee had a fighting chance against me in that one movie was that the Key Grip dared me to drink an oil tankard of hemlock the night before! I drank it down and then proceeded to pummel the Grips brutally all night long! They died from complications after filming was done, but, in my weakened state, Bruce Lee ultimately prevailed. He would not have done so if I was at my natural 1500%! That’s right, I naturally give 1500%! Metric tons of poison ruing through my veins temporarily saving that Hong Kong action star’s life!

So, build me my wall, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.


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