Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: Robo-Heston

March 20, 2009

“Sir, Robo-Heston has found the intruders. How shall we proceed?”

“Activate it’s Eliminate or Capture protocols.”

“Aye, aye sir.”

Suddenly Ted Nugent bursts into the control room, riding a fiery motorcycle and playing his guitar with his teeth. He crashes into the wall, brushes himself off, and starts talking to no one in particular, “This Motor-City Maniac knows you are wondering what Robo-Heston is! Is he a cyborg reanimated corpse, to be used to destroy Fedzilla as it smashes through these United States? Is it a code-name for some elite guitar wailing mercenary? The designers told me that they built an android and used Charlton Heston movie quotes to give it personality. As long as it kills woodland creatures and other terrorists with the greatest thing short of my long-run career, guns, I don’t care. Yeeow!”

“Who are you talking to?”

“The readers.”


Without saying another word, Ted Nugent loads himself into his transportation crossbow, puts on his crash helmet, and fires himself through one of the walls.

“Why did we let him on our board of directors?”

“He loves guns.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s right.”


Robo-Heston unleashes a wave of ammunition at the Secret Cabinet, courtesy of two Uzis in each hand. “Build coffins, that’s all you’ll need.”

Femi-Nazi, Yew Man, and Professor Key-Os jump behind the only readily available cover, the Hollywood Shambler. The zombie twitches in his harness. Yew Man sticks his arm out to fire an arrow, but it bounces off of Robo-Heston’s frame.

“Well, I’m out of ideas.”

Professor Key-Os steps out with his hands up. “My good man, how much additional stimulus money would it take to get you to stand down? I’m sure we can reach a gentleman’s agreement if you were to act civilized.”

You know, there are 20 million guys out of work in Manhattan alone just waiting for my job.”

A bullet rips though Professor Key-Os’ left thigh. Radioactive blood gushes out of his leg as he hobbles back behind the zombie. “Well, reasoning with the thing won’t work. Mind the blood; it might kill you.”

Suddenly, the dolly holding the Hollywood Shambler at bay took enough damage that he struggled loose. He hungrily eyes his “compatriots” through the metal mask that encapsulates his head.

Femi-Nazi grabs the freed zombie and hurls him into the gun-blazing robot. They both go down in a heap.

Get your stinking paws off me, you [expletive deleted] dirty ape!”

The zombie, realizing that the humanoid figure he is on top of is inorganic (in it’s non-thinking way), was only too happy to comply. He lunges at Femi-Nazi, who used the time to try and start a close-combat situation.

Yem Man, who was lagging behind, shoots some sap at the robot while Femi-Nazi struggles to re-contain the zombie. The sticky goo seals the Uzi barrels, causing them to malfunction.

You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, [expletive deleted] you! [Expletive deleted] you all to [expletive deleted]

Robo-Heston pulls out a shotgun and unloads a spray of buckshot into Yew Man’s chest bark. He staggers and falls. The robot continues to fire shots into unconscious Yew Man. Professor Key-Os tries to blind Robo-Heston with his laser pointer, but to no avail.

Femi-Nazi’s Luger was much more effective. She, pinning the Hollywood Shambler to her side with one arm, fires 2 rounds into the robot’s head with the other.


Professor Key-Os grabs the gravely injured Yew Man and limps out while Femi-Nazi lugs the zombie and his mangled dolly. They escape into the night as NRA agents start firing in their general direction.


What now? Find out next week!


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