Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #1

March 16, 2009


Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris…

We need to return to the wisdom of the Founding Fathers if we are to survive as a nation. Can you doubt the Founding Fathers best understood their vision of America? If you do, you are a fool that shall soon feel the swift destruction my roundhouse kick can deliver!

Since the Founding Fathers wish it, I, Chuck Norris, declare myself philosopher king of the Great Republic of Texas! I shall return the only state in the Union worth caring about to the rightful glory the Founders wish it, then we shall conquer the rest of the nation with our wisdom and prosperity. If that does not work, we shall use our hefty supply of guns, led by the Great General, Sam Houston, whom I shall free from his carbonite prison. If you continue to resist, you face my wrath! Who can dare oppose me? My diluted phlegm is used to make Silly Putty! The first 50 Crayola executives that rejected my superior name for it, “Norris Snot”, were destroyed with my overpowering glare! Their pitiful pleas for a more ‘kid-friendly’ name was eventually heard, but not until the Crayola Board Room ran red with the blood of worthless executives!

So, avow fealty to me, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

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