Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: Before the Committee

March 7, 2009

“Mr. Obama, Prime Minister Brown is here to see you.”

‘Great, one of them Britons is here,’ though Obama as he munches on his daily “vitamin”, a battery shaved down to look like a horse pill. “Confiscate any malt vinegar or cumin powder he has on his person, then let him in.”

Gordon Brown was quickly shoved through the door into the White House, looking as exasperated Obama has ever seen an European. “I must say, old chap,” started the Prime Minister, “that this has been the rudest treatment I have ever received, and I have been subjected to hothousing. Even that cowboy ‘Dubya’ at least attempted to show me the respect given to a fellow Head of State, with his bar-bee-cues and his hoe-downs. You have just shoved me in the Servants Quarters, only to pull me out for a 5 minute press conference that you could not even bother to show up to. Whereas I gave you a goodly portion of the Crown Jewels, you gave me a 25 DVD box set on how to further glorify you. And you already mailed these to all the Heads of State for your inauguration. What gives?”

“If you watched those DVDs, you would understand.”

“They were Region 1; our DVD player can’t play Region 1 discs.”

“Stupid human, you should have requested the non Region encoded version. Kim Jong Il did. Now, go watch your box set; I’ll await for your apology until you are done. Begone!”

Brown is then dragged out of the office, kicking and screaming about his mistreatment. Obama does not pay attention. The nauseating smell of malt vinegar makes him empty his 3 stomachs into a specialty trash can. His highly caustic vomit consumes the used paper and batteries in the can, but does not quite cut though the container.

Stomachs empty, he turns back to communicating with his cabinet, who are working on their latest orders.


The Red Mobster drew the short end of the straw and was sent to address the House Judicial Committee.

The crimson union man addressed the congressmen, trying to use the old “reverse psychology” trick to convince them to move the bill along to the House floor. “Meh, see. Guns are good, see. They can be used to intimidate employees into agreeing to unionize via card-check, see. Sure, card-check is more efficient than the overseen union elections, but unionization is only the start of making the world inefficient.”

A couple of guards start walking towards the Red Mobster (he is a registered terrorist, you know…).

“And, see, if the forces of hard, honest work threaten you, you can always cut them down, figuratively, with a gun, see.”

The Mobster pulls out his trusty, customized Thompson Machine Gun, and fires one shot towards a hanging light. The bullet ricochets off the light, bounces off the floor, reflects off a ceiling fan, goes through the chest of one of the guards and buries itself deep in the leg of the other.

“Meh, see. How could I have made that great shot if I did not have a gun, see?”

He looks towards the congressional table to see all the democrats cowering under the large desk and every Republican Congressman, page, and janitor pointing various weapons at him.

“You’re under arrest, Red Mobster,” declared Rep. King, holding a massive bazooka filled to the brim with ears of explosive corn, “I’m bringing you in, dead or alive.”

He fires, launching a wave of ticking corn the Mobster’s way.


Does the Red Mobster succeed in his nefarious lobbying, or even survive his encounter with the Judicial Committee? Where are the others? Why does malt vinegar make Obama vomit? And what was up with Obama demanding Brown’s famous collection of cumin powders be taken from him? Some of these questions may be asked next week. Tune in next time!


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