Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: Sullying Blair Holt’s Name

February 28, 2009

Obama approaches the podium to address Congress and the nation. Appointing a zombie to supervise the nationalized health care measures he stuck in the stimulus bill is a start to destroying America from within, but Obama has much worse things planned. For now, he needs to gloat of his victory over American self-reliance. He stares into his teleprompter and begins to read.

“Worship me, O worthless citizens of America. Do you not quite realize yet that you need only look to me, Barack Obama, for your every need? I will fill your pitiful existence with such substances and universal health that you will never need to worry about money again. I will even reduce the taxes of 95% of all Americans. That is how benevolent a god I am and will continue to be to you, if you only will worship at my feet. Thank you, and may Ehg-Y not crack open your brittle, thin shells”

The camera spins around to Bobby Jindal, bound in chains and surrounded by hippie guards. “I do not know how to respond to that. Can you let me go now?”

“No, man.” One of the guards said as he bashed Jindal in the face with the but of his peyote pipe.


Gloating over, Obama walks into the headquarters of his secret cabinet. Then the demands started.

The Shambler moaned in never ending hunger for the flesh of the living as he attempted to fill out the endless budget acquisition forms his department needs to start monitoring the health of all Americans. It is hard to fill out unnecessary paperwork with you have no hand/eye coordination and higher brain functions.

“When are we going to force all Americans into a union, meh? We need to have more people in unions, see, or we use collective bargaining power, see.”

“I demand we start requiring people to live in mud huts! Then we can start removing the blight that is the American metropolis!”

“1.5 trillion dollars in federal spending is not enough to get us out of this recession. We need more.”

“Why are we allowing male doctors to deny women their karyotypic right to not have parasites in their ‘wombs’? We should mercilessly beat them and take away their licenses!”

‘Their whining is starting to get really annoying,’ Obama thought as he waited for the noise to calm down. ‘So enough, I will be able to replace them with obedient invasion ground-troopers. I only have to endure them until then, and then they shall feed the shredders underneath my battle bus.’

“I have our next mission. It is to ensure HR 45 gets to my Oval Office desk without a hitch.”

“HR 45? What does that bill matter?”

“It will make all of you happy. It will limit gun ownership to those that can get a federal licence. Guns pollute, can be used to intimidate union organizers into leaving a non-union worker be, can be used against women by men to fill their bellies with sea serpents or however you humans go about reproducing, and, as our undead pet can attest, guns can stop zombies if used right.”

“You think we use sea serpents to reproduce? Do you not have 2 children of your own?”

“Quiet, you. You even get more government spending, Professor. Think about it, we are going to have to allocate some additional funds if the Attorney General has to set up a national gun registry.”

The complaints quiet down. ‘Excellent,’ thought Obama, ‘Now the next step in destroying America can begin.’

Next Time- Gun Control “Lobbying”. And by “Lobbying”, I mean something coercive and, in all likelihood, violent.


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