Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: To Cuba

February 3, 2009


While the rest of his Cabinet prepares to head to Cuba, Obama sets off to do some actual presidential work. Or at least watch some TV.

“And the Number 1 reason why, if Gitmo must be closed, that it should be moved to Alcatraz is because I, Chuck Norris, demand it! The Rock will run red with the blood of America’s enemies as I smash the terrorists to bits! I can destroy mountains with one roundhouse kick to its foothills! Who shall defy me?”

Click.

‘That Chuck Norris could easily defeat me if he ever caught on to my nefarious plans. We should capture him eventually. But first, we must secure the freedom of those Islamic terrorists.’ Obama mused while staring at the black television screen he had installed in the Oval Office, ‘That reminds me…’

He turns to his sculpture of a hand delicately lifting up an egg [Ed.: Crudeness awaits you at that particular link…].

“Oh Ehg-Y, please forgive your humble servant. I am sorry that I cannot display your 47 eyes, blazing with the power of life and death. I am sorry that I cannot display your hoard of minions, surrounding your throne made of the skeletal hands of the fallen. Please anoint my head with your yolk of power and your albumin of might. Bless my attempts to compromise these weakling humans, as described by your human prophet, Saul Alinski.” Obama then lets a milk-curdling scream for a full hour.

“Is the President worshipping an egg?” a member of the press corp asks another nearby reporter, “How are we supposed to spin this in a positive light?”

Obama glares at the impetuous newsperson, “How dare you question me! You are not here to ask questions, you are here so that I can better impress Ehg-Y with my hoard of mindless minions! I banish you into the pits of Scranton, Pennsylvania, never to see your precious One again!”

Obama then hands the reporter a grapefruit spoon. The reporter, with a tear of bittersweet joy, scoops his own eyes out.

***

“Why do we have to use this Gaia-hurting plane? We are even burning fuel to keep the air at a comfortable temperature!” Yew Man whines

“Yeah, see. This plane is too efficient, see. I have a plan where we hire 20,000 oarsmen to row us to Cuba and 14,000 English majors to comfortably fan us with union check cards,meh.” the Red Mobster chips in.

This whining continued until the Cabinet reached Cuba.

***

The super-powered Colonel of Truth glances out of his Guantanamo office, contemplating his future. Since Obama ordered him to prepare to close down the terrorist-holding center, his days have been filled with busy preparations and introspection. Does America still want the truth?

“Sir, the CIC is on route for a surprise inspection. He will be here in 5 minutes. How shall we prepare for his arrival?”

“I will greet him at the air strip. Don’t rush the other officers to get there. If the man wanted a proper greeting, he would have given us more notice.”

The Colonel grabs his hat as his radioman hurries along to let the other officers know. ‘Might as well greet him as close to the dignity I am supposed to show him as 5 minutes can get me…’

***

Obama exits Air Force One to see that only some Colonel standing at attention to greet him. ‘I expected more fanfare. I am the President after all,’ he thought.

“On your knees, knave! I demand it!” Obama bellows in his hypnotic voice.

That Colonel does not budge. He is too self-willed to move. “Sir, what brings you here? I sarcastically apologize if we are not moving to bring those terrorists to our shores fast enough for your liking.”

“About that. I wish to speak to the detainees located in the underground cells.”

“Sir, I cannot allow you to do that. Those terrorists have super-human powers. We isolate them from the rest of the world to prevent their escape. If they ever got out, it would be a devastating blow to America.”

“You dare deny me my rights as President?”

“That I dare, sir.”

“Cabinet, attack! I want that soldier brought down!”

Next Time: The Secret Cabinet Battles The Colonel of Truth

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