Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: Yew Man

January 25, 2009

Berkley, California – Francis Explosion straightened his tie. He is demonstrating his newest weapon today: the Life Bomb. It eradicates all life within a block radius though a complicated barrage of radiation. The radiation dissipates faster than a typical nuclear weapon, allowing the land to be repopulated within a few years. Explosion, Inc is set to make a mint.

A shaggy looking man is driving his limo.

“Where is Maurice?”

“Who, man?”

“Maurice. My usual driver.”

“Oh, he has some kind of flu thing, man. I’m a temp.”

“Whatever. Drive,” Francis got into the limo. And was knocked out.


Explosion woke up in a damp cave. A large rock with some small holes hand carved in blocks the only apparent way out. A voice cries out from the other side of the rock, “You have been captured by Gaia Liberation! Your fight against Mother Earth has been put to an end! You will build us a weapon to destroy artificiality!”

“And it better be biodegradable, too!” Another voice yells from a distance.

“Yeah, man. It better be biodegradable. Mother Earth demands that we have no impact on her, man.”


Months pass. With only naturally dead sticks and stones to work with, Explosion had no idea what to do. They only feed him a thin gruel of organic fallen leaves, nuts, and fruits. The tools he has is not enough to dig himself out or smash through that blasted rock.


More months pass. Francis has started to go a little crazy. The gruel was starting to taste good. He drew designs for sharpened sticks in the sand. The nice people on the other side of the rock said they already knew about sharpened sticks, but he should keep trying.


More time passed. Explosion, who had no way of cleaning himself, noticed that he had moss growing out of his arm. He pulled at it. It hurt. He finally mustered enough strength to rip off a patch of moss. He screamed; the patch drew blood. He had a breakthrough.

He yelled for the nice people, but a new voice was there, “Mister Explosion, this is the FBI. Step away from the rock. We are going to blow it up.”

Confused, Francis got to the other side of the cave. An explosion rocked the cave. Agents swarmed in; he was hauled out.


Once the FBI cleared him, he started his real experiment. He planted yew seeds into his flesh and started cultivating them. Yew wood provided the flexibility the serve as an armor. The trees took root with some radioactive assistance. He then shaped the wood growing out of his arms to serve as crossbows; dead shoots as collected to serve as shafts once they are sharpened.

Once his armor was ready, he began to destroy his own company. Mother Earth demands it.

Barack Obama sent a carrier pigeon to his cave, asking him to be his Secretary of the Environment for some Secret Cabinet. Thoughts of having the force of law behind his plans to save Gaia from her human infestation ran though his head as he starts walking towards Washington, destroying as much man-made structures as he can along the way.


2 Responses to “Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: Yew Man”

  1. DeeMer Says:

    “You’re fight against Mother Earth” should be “Your fight”.

  2. liberexmachina Says:

    Thanks for the correction. WordPress does not have a grammar check, so whenever I write something using that, an odd mistake will slip in undetected.

    I’ll fix it as soon as I finish this.

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