Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: FemiNazi

January 24, 2009


Coal Town, West Virginia, 1953- Myrtle McHaggisson finishes up a thin gruel that will serve as breakfast for her 6 daughters and her husband. If there is any left, she will get to eat some, but she doubts it. They owe so much to the company store that they will not increase the McHaggisson tab.

 

“Is this all you are feeding me, woman? I should beat you within an inch of yer life!” Mr. McHaggisson is awake. And he is, as usual, ready to blow a fuse. “I am the only breadwinner in this family and you cook me this!” He chugs the gruel and throws the empty bowl at Myrtle. “Give me more, you worthless waste of space!”

 

“But the rest is for the girls.”

 

“They don’t work to put even this slop on the table. They shouldn’t get to deprive me of vittles!”

 

Mr. McMaggisson waited for his wife to comply. When she did not immediately get to serving him more, he gave her a black eye and helped himself. She stayed on the floor until he left for the coal mines. When she finally got up, all the gruel was gone. The girls have to go hungry again…

 

***

 

Myrtle is called to the doctor’s office. Some bodies were pulled out of a collapsed mine shaft and they think one of them is her husband. The broken and battered bodies of other coal miners are strewn around the office, nurses and relatively healthy coal miners scurrying around, trying to help keep the badly injured going.

 

The doctor was filling out death certificates when Myrtle stepped in. “Mrs. McHaggisson, you ready?”

 

“As I’ll ever be…”

 

“C’mon, then.” They walk into the back room that serves as a morgue in these emergencies. And there, on one of the slabs, was her husband. She was numb. The regular beatings she would receive clouded the love she once had for him, but what little money he brought home was all she had to feed her family.

 

The doctor sensed her concern. “You know, there are other ways to make money…”

 

***

 

Myrtle was strapped down to a table. The doctors explained that if she undergoes this experiment, the coal company would waive all her debts and give her enough money to feed her family for a while. They said that they will inject her with a coal-based super housewife serum. It will give her more strength, speed, and endurance. She would be able to do more housework and get a good job as a maid. Her kids were being taken care of while she undergoes the experiment.

 

They inject her with this strange, black goo and fire a beam at her. The pain is excruciating.

 

“It’s working! It’s working!”

 

“The Third Reich shall rise again!” Bullets are flying. By the time the experiment is over and Myrtle comes to, the scientists are dead. A Nazi hovers over her. “Come with us, and we will rule the world!”

 

“No. I just want to take care of my family. Let me go!”

 

“Nein!” The Nazi punches her in the face. This time it does not hurt. She glares at him.

 

“We have ways of making you cooperate. Bring in the children!”

 

Other Nazis drag her daughters into the room. “If you do not cooperate, we will kill your half-breed children!”

 

“No! Leave my kids out of this.”

 

“Very well. Fire!”

 

Myrtle’s kids are gunned down. She busts through the straps, picks up the head Nazi, and flings him into a wall, snapping his neck. Myrtle then mercilessly beats the other Nazis to death.

 

“I’m tired of men treating me like a second-class citizen. Women are superior to men anyways. We are able to endure all of their pitiful attempts to crush our spirit with their so-called superior physicality. I vow to avenge the death of my daughters by destroying the male race! I shall no longer respond to my slave name, Myrtle McHaggisson. I am now Femi-Nazi!”

 

***

 

The serum essentially stopped the aging process, allowing her reign of terror against men to last for decades without slowing her down. She has blown up Men’s Warehouses and sporting goods stores. She even took a shot at Reagan and framed some love-sick man for it. 

A letter came to her from another President, Barack Obama. While it is still a man, at least he is subservient to the superiority of woman. He asked her to serve as “Secretary of Women” for his Secret Cabinet. She remembers the Secret Cabinet when Reagan’s Cabinet sought to bring her to justice after the assassination attempt. She packs up to get to Washington immediately.

 

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