Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: Inauguration Day

January 20, 2009


Washington, D.C.

Barack Obama left the horde of well-wishers and governmental officials with a sign of relief. He was sworn in as the most powerful entity on this planet, without anyone suspecting this terrible origin. Born on a distant planet, he is the vanguard of an alien invasion. His orders were to weaken the planet enough to make the invasion seamless and without resistance. Obama was overjoyed to discover that most of the planet is used to being ruled by distant, heavy-handed tyrants; the one thorn in his side is America. The American experiment of freedom and self-reliance must be quashed, for too many Americans would resist alien rule. So, Obama decided to destroy it from within. He invented an identity for himself, plugged into the Chicago machine, and ran for president.

Now, he has finally ready to begin Phase 2 of his master plan. He merely needs to enter the appropriate codes and can begin to enforce his America-destroying policies with an overwhelming force.

“Halt, sir!” a mechanical voice spoke as he approached the Secret Cabinet Chamber, “You must be deemed worthy to lead the Secret Cabinet.”

“Who dares to deny the President of the United States his rightful power?”

“I am Steam Moose, mechanical man-servant to Theodore Roosevelt and guardian of the Secret Cabinet. You must defeat me in one-on-one combat to be deemed worthy of this honor.”

“Can we just skip the formality and let me pass?”

“No.”

“C’mon. Let me through.”

“Stop being what Master Roosevelt would call a ‘weeny’. It’s not that hard to beat me. I’m not designed for battle. Even Master Roosevelt’s nephew beat me, and he was a cripple.”

“Fine,” Obama took a swing at Steam Moose, striking his hard, steel chassis, “Owie.”

“Have at you,” Steam Moose bellowed in his monotone voice as he swung a steam-powered fist at Obama’s face. Right though Obama’s face.

“I can make myself intangible with the power of my empty suit!” declared Obama as he starts to run away. ‘I need a plan. That thing is too strong to punch and too heavy to throw under a bus. Not that there are any buses underground. That thing is lumbering towards me. Aha!” Obama ran towards the sunlight emitting from the exit. He exited right out of the Washington Monument, into a throng of hippies celebrating Obama’s ascendancy.

“Hear me, my mindless minions!” urged Obama, “A mechanical Republican is trying to keep me from leading you to hope and change! Throw wave after wave of yourselves to stop it.”

“Yes, master.” droned Obama’s thralls.

As Steam Moose emerged from the Monument, a horde of hippies tackled the automaton. 14 were crushed as it went under. Steam Moose shut down.

***

Steam Moose re-awoke tied to a chair with Obama looming over it, “See, I beat you fair and square. Now let me in.”

“Very well,” Steam Moose droned. The door to the Chambers opened and Obama had some hippies drag the robot in.

“I need your list of heros so that they can be properly contacted.”

“Well, one is already in the mail, so you don’t have to worry about it. Here is the list for the rest,” said Obama as he holds his list in front of Steam Moose’s eyes.

“This is unacceptable. Most of these people are classified as terrorists. Choose again.”

“Do you want me to have these minions beat you up again?”

“No. Very well.”

A “hero” in the mail? Terrorists in the Cabinet? Tune in starting tomorrow to see what they are talking about!

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