Barack Obama and his Cabinet of Doom! Prologue

January 8, 2009


Portsmouth, New Hampshire (September 1905)

‘Dang burn foreigners. I wish them backwards Tsarists and Japaneses did not insist on using a one-on-one battle of freaks to try and settle the dispute “the old way”,’ thought Theodore Roosevelt as he glanced over the balcony of his lighthouse base.

The first “freak” to arrive was the pride of Japan, The Rising Sun. A product of years of solar radiation experiments, The Rising Sun can generate heat and flames; the Japanese insist that he can emit the same amount of heat the sun actually does, but the American scientists assure T.R. that they are grossly over-exaggerating.

A bellowing roar shakes the lighthouse as the other “freak” emerges, The Russian Bear. He commands an army of bears, the offspring of the bears that raised him in the Siberian wilderness. His teeth and fingernails are reinforced with steel so that he can maul like an actual bear could.

They start yelling at each other. T.R. does not speak in either of their  foreign gibberish languages, so he does not understand.

Steam Moose, T.R.’s steam-powered mechanical butler, chauffeur, secretary, and dry cleaner exclaims, “I am sorry to bother you, sir, but negotiations are breaking down. The Rising Sun insist that The Russian Bear call off his bear army. We will never get this treaty signed at this rate.”

“Very well, steam-bucket, we do this my way. Great White Fleet, cool of that Rising Sun fellow. Steam Moose, assist him. Taft, Rough Rider, and Square Deal, you’re with me. Move out!”

***

The Great White Fleet flexed his webbed fingers as he prepares for battle. Steam Moose hovers over to his position, muttering something about bull-headedness and how ineffective it is at fighting.

“Ho, ho, valiant mechanical beast! With my ability to move water we shall cool off this hot-headed Japanese Sun! And away we go!”

The Great White Fleet summons forth a massive amount of water over his head.

“I’m not going to be able to hold this for long. Fire me, Moose-y boy!”

“Yes, sir.”

Steam Moose transforms himself into a cannon, which the Great White Fleet climbs in. The steam powered robot powers up and launches the Great White Fleet into the sky. The water-summoner releases his Atlantic deluge over the Rising Sun, putting him out of commission.

***

“This is my kind of diplomacy, gentlemen. We speak softly and hit people with a big stick. Is my stick big enough, Vice President Taft?”

“Sir, it is a whole sequoia tree. You cannot get a stick any bigger.”

“But what if I glued two whole sequoia trees together?”

“It would be too fragile.”

“Why do you always have to be like that, Taft? Why do you have to shatter my dreams?”

“The bear army is almost upon us.”

“Oh, just a second,” T.R. swings his mighty sequoia tree-stick, sending a large swath of bears into the countryside.

Rough Rider, a  mythical creature that T.R. discovered with the head of a horse and the body of a muscle-builder, ninnied. And then started punching bears, biting them with his horse head.

Taft and Square Deal are quickly surrounded as they do not have the super-strength necessary to keep the bears at bay. Yet, they are still relatively effective. Taft’s super-fat makes him impervious to harm, as the bear paws and mouths sink slowly into the folds of his fat. Whenever a bear would hit Square Deal, he would then hit the bear back with force equal to the blow dealt to him.

Soon the bears were all defeated. The Russian Bear starts with the gibberish talk again. T.R. pays him no mind. He lightly bops the tsarist on the head with his stick, knocking him unconscious. He then points his stick at the diplomats waiting to see who would win.

“Sign one of those peace treaties, now. I don’t care which one.”

The diplomats quickly comply.

***

Later, in Washington, D.C.

“We make a pretty good team, gents. Let us continue this loose joining of forces and strengthen it. I formally declare the formation of The Cabinet of Justice, a group of super-powered individuals commanded and led by worthy Presidents, to fight for America’s best interest! Huzzah?”

“Do you really have the authority? I mean it’s not in the constitution…”

“It’s also not in the Constitution to be so fat, Taft. Why do you always have to rain on my parade?”

“Sorry, sir. But would it be wise to be openly cavorting around as super-heroes?”

“You actually made a good point for once, tubby. This will be a secret Cabinet. We shall build an underground headquarters and fund it covertly. The important thing is, we keep America safe. Huzzah?”

“Huzzah!”

And thus, the Secret Cabinet of Justice is formed. Every President since then used his Secret Cabinet in varying degrees with various success (you cannot imagine the embarrassment Carter’s Cabinet went though when they were captured by the Iranians trying to free the embassy hostages).

Tune in next time when a new President claims the mantle of the leader of the Secret Cabinet of Justice!

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