Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: What’s Taking So Long?

Barack Obama bursts into the Secret Cabinet meeting room. He is not pleased. Yew Man is buried neck deep in rich loam in the corner, though he is missing his left eye and most of his face. The Hollywood Shambler is desperately reaching out of his cage, trying to snack a passerby and eat his brains. Steam Moose is passed out in the cage, all of the squirrels trapped in his chassis either eaten or dead. And Professor Key-Os is starring at his teleprompter.

“It’s been over 4 months since I announced my plans to reduce carbon emissions, you ingrates! I’ve won a Nobel Peace Prize by dressing up as Eugene Debs, lost the Olympics by dressing up as Oprah, played a Japanese geisha for a week, and dressed up like the political philosopher Chairman Mao to amuse the Chinese. What is taking so long? Why is Yew Man half dead and potted? Why have you not refilled Steam Moose’s squirrels? Where is Red Mobster? And why do you have my teleprompter?”

“To answer your questions. Yew Man got into a fight with Nancy Pelosi’s Wax Golem. He killed the thing, but was severely dehydrated and Pelosi ate most of his face. She finally mailed him back here a week ago and I was told to plant and water him to get him back to some semblance of good health. Red Mobster and I got the idea to get Congress to do the heavy lifting on your project, so Red Mobster went to petition Pelosi.”

“Was this before or after Yew Man caused trouble?” Obama interuppted.

“Before. Anyways, Pelosi asked him to arm-twist the Blue Dogs and I have not seen him since. Steam Moose’s screams were getting annoying and I wanted to get some peace and quite while trying to finish my round of interviews for Femi-Nazi’s slot. And, at your request, I am trying to interview your teleprompter. It keeps signaling that I should read it’s responses out load, but I refuse on the grounds that it is retarded. Anything else, fearless leader?”

“No. That pretty much answers all my questions.”

“A geisha, you say?”

“I do not want to talk about it.’

***

Red Mobster is still frozen in fear, but the sight of the Blue Dog Coalition’s offices added confusion to the paralysis. The walls were pastel blue, with knock-off pictures of Huckleberry Hound painted here and there. The Blue Dogs were dressed in diapers, drinking bottles and taking nap-times. Aides read them letters from constituents telling them what good boys and girls they are. In one corner, they had a sticker board showing positive and negative feedback (represented by smiley and frowny faces). There were a lot of frowny faces, with more being added by the day. No one bothered the crimson criminal as he stood gaping at the entryway.

Suddenly, the Congressmen started to cry. It was Barack Obama walking up behind him.

“Stop being such a scaredy cat and force them to vote our way. You think these aides let those man-babies play with guns? Get in there!” Obama shoves the scarlet scalawag into the nursery.

“Yeah…, see… You gonna vote the way I tell you… see… or ‘m gonna…”

“Hush,” one of the aides scolded, “You’ll scare the poor things. Look how many frowny faces they have gotten from constituents lately. They know it’s because of the ObamaCare bill and they do not want to be forced into something else their constituents don’t want. Can’t you see how on edge they are? Shoo.”

“But Nancy Pelosi, see…”

The light whimpering from the Congressmen turned into full-on wailing.

“Pelosi scary! She eats babies! Wah!”

“Now you done it. They are going to have nightmares for weeks now.”

“Meh, I didn’t…”

“You’ve done enough harm to their self-esteem. Go bother someone else.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

Looks like the Cabinet failed yet again. ObamaCare is costing too much political capital right now to get the ambitious 17% of 1776 emissions plan implemented. The moral of the story: Don’t sit on your hands for a quarter.

Tune in next week to find out who won our little sidebar poll (Voting ends next installment). And be prepared for quite possibly the dumbest, craziest arc yet, with guest stars galore! And a possible theme song!

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: Interviews Round 2

The Red Mobster stands outside the brightly colored doors for the Blue Dog Democrats, shuddering in fear. Visions of exploding corn swimming through his head, he takes a deep breath and opens the door…

***

Professor Key-Os finished the malevolent ritual to summon his next interviewee, Frank Lloyd Wright. It involved 47 goats, a slide-rule, and sopping up the blood using blueprints to graveyards. A giant face assembles itself on a load-bearing wall.

“WHO DARES TO INTERRUPT MY INFERNAL DESIGNING?”

“Professor Key-Os. I have been assigned to pick out a new member of our Secret Cabinet. I was hoping to have a moment of your time…”

“TIME IS ALL I HAVE, PLOTTING FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL THAT IS GOOD. SECRET CABINET, YOU SAY?”

“Yes, we serve the President in forming policy and fighting those forces that would try and thwart us. It is a rather lucrative and influential position. First question, what can you bring to our organization?”

“FIERY DOOM AND THE DEATH OF ALL THAT HUMANS HOLD DEAR!”

“Uh, interesting. What goals do you have in properly shaping America?”

“THE STREETS NEED TO RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT AS THE PRACTITIONERS OF DARK ARCHITECTURE FEAST ON THE EYES OF THE SCREAMING MASSES WHILE DEMONS HOVER MENACINGLY OVERHEAD!”

“Okay. How should the government respond to the continued recession?”

“BY KILLING ALL THOSE WHO HOPE FOR A BETTER FUTURE, USING THEIR BLOOD TO OPEN UP A PORTAL FOR MY DARK, MALEVOLENCE TO FLOW INTO YOUR WORLD!”

“You don’t care for humanity much, do you?”

“THEY INTERRUPTED MY EFFORTS TO PRESERVE MY FORM IN YOUR WORLD PERMANENTLY. AND, BY THE POWER OF THE DARK ARCHITECTURAL DEMONS, I WILL RISE AGAIN, DESTROYING ALL IN A DEADLY MAELSTROM OF BUILDINGS AND DOOM!”

Uh, thank you for your time. We’ll get back to you.” Professor Key-Os burns the blood-soaked blueprints, breaking the connection.

“NO! I NEEDED A FEW MORE MINUTES TO POSSESS YOUR BODY!” the wall face screamed as it unfolded.

“That was creepy.” Professor Key-Os said to himself as Obama’s hippie minions start to clean up the mess, “One more to go…”

***

“Why can’t I quit him?” Vicky Gene Robinson asks himself while staring at the door of the Lincoln bedroom he just just kicked out of. He painfully winces away.

***

Obama smokes a cigarette, watching his “special friend” go. ‘I should put him on the Secret Cabinet just so he is more readily accessible when I feel that blasted urge to mate,’ he thinks to himself.

‘Egh-Y demands are cruel,’ he continues to muse,’He wants use to have children, so he drives us to mate. It’s maddening. We had our two legally mandated clutches, why can he not leave me to quietly try and kill them in the prescribed manner? Well, it could be worse; Ecell-U and I were already stationed here and were given permission to kill most of our clutches to better blend in with the humans. We would have stuck out with two dozen children. And, even though we picked the two sickliest looking ones to live, they still persist. Maybe I will be rid of them before their 25th mega-cycle. Even if I do not, they may choose to keep me alive as an adviser when they overtake my position in Egh-Y’s graces, if I am lucky.’

Ecell-U glares at him from the Lincoln bedroom’s doorway, “You were with your ’special friend’ again?”

“Quiet, you. Not all of us are so lucky as to qualify for genitalia removal.”

Ecell-U rolls her three eyes, saying, “Whatever.” She walks off.

‘Good thing Egh-Y does not bar sodomy, or I would be cursed with more children, waiting to feast upon my flesh if they live to become adults.’ Obama’s thoughts then return to his spawning mate, ‘I must remember to ban that particular human expression once our invasion is successful.’ His cigarette done, he rolls over to sleep.

***

Next week, the start to get to the conclusion of this arc. How will Red Mobster handle meeting the Blue Dogs? Will Professor Key-Os like the final interview candidate? Or will Obama overrule his recommendation for some disgusting inter-species man love?

Be sure to vote (check the sidebar). Creepy man loving is winning right now. If that churns your stomach, be sure to vote for someone else. Please? Pretty please?

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: The Waxman Dieth

Yew Man awakens to find Professor Key-Os pouring over the arcane, malevolent ritual he will need to use to contact his next interviewee, Frank Lloyd Wright, master practitioner of the dark architectural arts. You cannot exactly use a telephone to call a man dead and residing in the dark dimension evil architects go to once they slump over their drafting boards for the last time. Seeing what he will have to do, he is looking forward to this even less than having to talk to Sotomayor again.

“Where’s The Red Mobster, Professor Key-Os?”

“He is talking to Pelosi. He might still be there.”

“What? You sold Mother Gaia out! Have you seen how ineffective that bill will be in reducing carbon!”

“I’m sorry, but Keynesian economics and collective bargaining cannot see a way to justify a global warming bill…”

“Whatever. I’m going to put a stop to this!”

***

Yew Man misses confronting the Red Mobster by 5 minutes. He storms into Pelosi’s office, not even bothering to notice the strewn bones of cannibalized children. Seething with rage, he kicks down the ornate, mahogany doors, stained with bloody hand prints and let’s out a blood-curdling battle cry, “For Mother Gaia!”

“My child, what is with this temper tantrum? Here, have a hard candy.”

He bats the old-timey confection aside.

Pelosi’s eyes narrow. “Now that was just rude.’

‘You will stop these assaults against Mother Gaia and stand for real climate change prevention. Collecting money from small businesses in some cap and trade scheme is not enough. You must ban concrete, internal combustion engines, conception, and toilet paper now!”

“I’m sorry, child, but I have no desire to anger the concrete, automotive, abortion, and toilet paper industries by banning those things. They help to pay for all this you see before you. If you wish to talk civilly and submit to my will, you can come back later. Now shoo; it’s time for Grandma Pelosi to eat a snack.’ She hungrily eyes her granddaughter, now missing her forearm.

Yew Man fires a crossbow bolt into Pelosi’s eye. It leaks some greyish goo, which Pelosi excitedly licks as it drips near her mouth. “Henry, take care of this valued voter for me. I must clean myself up.” She grabs her granddaughter by the hair and drags her into the next room.

The waxen creature hovers over the environmental cyborg. Yew Man reloads and fires a barrage of bolts at it. It shapes itself in such a way that the bolts fly harmlessly by.

“Uh oh.”

Whack. The golem hits Yew Man hard.

Yew Man flies across the room, smashing into a pile of bones. He struggles to get up on his feet. The waxen creature moves into position, preparing to hit him again.

Whack. Yew Man is sent through a wall. The creature does not follow him out of Pelosi’s chamber. Yew Man gets up to his feet, straining for breath. Some of his Yew armor is cracked, branches split and trunks distressed. It will take him a long time to nurse his armor back to health. But he has to stop Pelosi to save Mother Earth. And there is only one way to do it. He opens up his chest plate, already partially broken by the waxy blows, to reveal his sap-beam projector.

Yew Man jumps through the hole his body created. The creature prepares to hit him again. Seconds before contact, Yew Man fires an amber-colored beam at the fist-shaped wax; the creature could not evade the blast. It is launched at the opposite wall.

The sappy goo hardens on contact, trapping the wax man under a foot-thick wall of rock-hard amber. The waxen creature sags under the weight, lifeless.

The champion of Gaia collapses, severely dehydrated and completely spent.

“My office!” Pelosi emerges from her back room with an eye patch covering the still healing wound. She sees the now dead and worthless wax man. “My golem!”

A thin, dry voice weakly cries out, “Water…”

“You’ll pay for this!”

***

How will Pelosi avenge her fallen golem? How will the Red Mobster pressure the “Blue Dogs”? How will Professor Key-Os fare against the malevolent force of Frank Lloyd Wright? Find out next time!

And be sure to vote on Femi-Nazi’s replacement, if you have not already. Check the sidebar.

Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #12

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“So, my fellow head-of-state Obama has still not released his original birth certificate? As it is his spawning day, I demand that he do so, to inform the world that he is actually an alien!

No, not the “born in Kenya” type alien. I concur with Lou Dobbs that Obama was birthed in Hawaii. I mean an extraterrestrial alien! Using my X-ray vision and my intimate understanding of human genetics, I have determined that Barack Obama lineage is not from this world! Why else does he hide the birth certificate from the public eye?

I am well-versed in intergalatic travel and have seen this kind of thing before. Alien embryos are implanted into native women to get around a planet’s immigration law or for other forms of subterfuge. The babies are then raised in the ways of it’s true species via implanted information chips. Since our Constitution has no genetic qualifications to serve as President, Obama should admit to his true species to the world. If he does not, the streets will run a blueish-grey (which is the color Obama’s blood will be when exposed to oxygen) in my efforts to prove it!

Your present (a face-melting roundhouse kick) will be delivered when you least expect it. If your species is not used to natal day gift exchanges, understand it is part of our culture.

So, admit to your alien origins, Obama, or prepared to be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #11

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, am infuriated at this dreaded ‘Obamacare’ those dastardly Commies in Washington are wanting to foist upon my independent nation! I, in my near infinite wisdom, have come up with 7 reasons why I shall hunt down and slay those who would dare subjugate my citizens with this health service:

• “First, universal health care unwisely is being rushed.” No mere group of mortals can even read this bill in the time those Reds are giving them. I, who can read 1,000,000,000 words a minute, have still not finished the bill, and I have been reading it non-stop since last Tuesday!
• “Second, universal health care clearly would drive [America] deeper into debt, which is being progressively purchased by foreign powers without any concern by Washington to stop it.” I wish to conquer those United States for the glory of the Kingdom of Texas, not have to buy it from the Chinese!
• “Third, universal health care would impersonalize health care and ration medical services.” The streets will run red with the blood of the elderly as the bureaucrats will decide to pay for Botox treatments for teen-aged tarts instead of saving your grandmother!
• “Fourth, universal health care ultimately would limit the competitive market of health care.” A public option will destroy the private ones since medical insurance companies, unlike me, cannot resist the might of the US military, which could be used to force them to follow industry-crushing regulations and taxation.
• “Fifth, universal health care ultimately would transform legislators into quasi health care practitioners.” Can you trust a Congressman to understand which type of heart surgery is the most medically expedient one? I can’t.
• “Sixth, universal health care would increase big government, and America would continue on the slippery slope toward socialism.” Increasing government means increasing bureaucratic power Bureaucrats are greedy, lazy, and conniving! No government that has relied on bureaucrats to operate them have been able to stop them from stealing and wasting money! That is why the Kingdom of Texas is run entirely by me!
• And, Seventh, since the government has decided that my tears would be the most cost effective treatment for cancer, they are going to spend trillions of dollars and lives to try and capture me! Then, in their pipe dream that they could succeed in bringing me to “justice”, they will try to make me cry! I will be forced to mercilessly slaughter a bunch of innocents to maintain my freedom. While it will be easy to do so, it is a hassle I do not wish to put up with, if it is avoidable. After all, those men would be useful once the Kingdom of Texas has conquered those United States. It would be a shame to waste them so.

So, oppose the Obamacare, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: Interviews Round 1

“So, Mrs. Sotomayor, what can you bring to our organization?” Professor Key-Os queries the controversial judge.

“My wise Latina heritage and culture will add much needed intelligence, good looks, and delicious cooking to your racist mayo-cracker ways, you retarded honky.”

“What goals do you have in properly shaping America?”

“First off, America should return the lands you blanco bleach boys stole from our peoples. Then, we should banish you KKK sympathizers from public office and ship you off to death camps like you have done to our Northern brethren, the Injuns. Then we should have a fiesta, dancing on the bones of the bolillos we sacrifice to the Aztlan gods.”

“A little heavy-handed, are we not?”

“This is not being filmed, is it? We wise Latinas are a fiery people who speak our minds and, as long as this does not get into the hands of those dastardly gavachos who would try to stop my conformation to your Supreme Court, I mean to do so.”

“Very well. How should the government respond to the continued recession?”

“By giving the Latino community the money stolen from us by those leche oppressors back through any means necessary.”

“Very good. Someone has read her Keynes.”

“That racist cracker? Anything written in English is racist! I refuse to read, write, or speak English.”

“You’re speaking English now”

“No, I’m not. You callin’ me a racist, honky? I’ll cut you…”

“Thank you for your time. We’ll get back to you.”

“You better, white bread.”

***

The Red Mobster awakes from his fainting spell in a waxen chair. A little girl clutches the bleeding stump where her wrist should be, muttering, “She made me watch, she made me watch.”

“Awake now, my child? Run along and play, Suzie. Grandma Pelosi needs to work…”

The little girl tries to hovel away, but the blood loss she had suffered makes it difficult for her to move straight.

“Henry, dear, please take Suzie back to her ‘playroom’. She is taking too long on her own”

The wax creature shallows the sickly girl like an amoeba endocytoses food particles and hurries away.

“What was that, see?” the Red Mobster, coming to his senses.

“Oh, Henry is my wax golem. I use him to run the Energy and Commerce committee and other Congressional tasks that do not require independent thought. I’m very busy trying to run the country, can you stop asking me obvious questions and get to the point of this visit, child?”

“We were wondering whether you would handle the proposal Obama asked us to write on CO2 reduction…”

“Oh, child. We have already done that. Though, since Obama wants you to help, we could use your unique skills. We have some Congressmen we would like you to lobby.”

Our scarlet gangster shudders at the thought. The image of Steven King bombarding him with explosive corn is still seared in his memory.

Pelosi, vaguely remembering the minutes from that committee meeting, responds, “Oh, nothing so dangerous as asking those Republicans for their support. Those “Blue Dogs” just need the right amount of arm-twisting to vote the right way. They are all jostling to be allowed to vote against the bill to please their constituents or some other such nonsense. It is threatening the bill being passed at all. Like those brain-dead hicks back home matter, anyways. I assume you can handle putting the squeeze on some unarmed Democrats.”

***

Will the Red Mobster’s efforts succeed this time? Will Professor Key-Os find somebody better than a lady who does not seem to be able to finish a sentence without insultingly dropping the race card? What will Yew Man think when he finds out about the Secret Cabinet supporting the House’s bill, which falls far short of his plan to reduce CO2 emissions?

Tune in next time.

Oh, and remember to vote (see the sidebar) for who will get the nod before the arc is over. Sotomayor is currently in the lead with 100% of the vote. If you like the caricature for her in this one, make sure you keep it that way (because that is the only way I know how to make fun of her); if not, vote for someone else.

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: Delegating Responsibility

The Secret Cabinet lounge around, trying to figure out ways to reduce CO2 emissions to pre-colonial levels. The only one excited by the prospect is Yew-Man

“We should ban internal combustion, and electricity, and eating meat, and chemicals, and, and, and…” Yew Man passes out. He forgot to breathe.

“Mayhaps if we offer cash to individuals who break down concrete into arable land so that people can start collective farms…” Professor Key-Os poses.

“BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINS!”

“Oh, the pain! The pain!” screams Steam Moose, still trapped with the Hollywood Shambler and filled with squirrels.

“Meh, this is hard, see. Maybe we should delegate this to Congress, see?”

“Good idea, Red Mobster. I have to start interviewing candidates to replace the fair Femi-Nazi, anyways.”

***

Red Mobster approaches the offices of Nancy Pelosi cautiously. He heard stories of her and they were not pretty. The stories did not mention that the hallway to her office was filled with skeletal remains of children, that were gnawed on. He can hear her on the phone as he opens the door.

“We need to do it for the children; the sweet, succulent children!”

Slam.

She hung up her phone and looked up at the crimson gangster.

“What can Grandma Pelosi do for you, my child?”

“Umm, what’s with all the skulls, see?”

“Well, my child, my biological children keep making grandkids and I have to do something with them. You try and warn your kids of the dangers of procreative sex, but they just don’t listen…”

“Meh, see. I don’t follow, see.”

“I eat the flesh of my grandchildren to keep my youth and beauty.”

“Meh, and you think it’s working?”

“You should see how I looked before I started eating my grandchildren.” Pelosi holds up a photograph, made back when pictures were sepia. Red Mobster faints.

“Oh, Henry? Would you be a dear and revive out guest? Oh, and bring me one of my grandchildren. I want to spend more time with them… in my digestive tract.”

A creature made of wax oozes out of her closet and hovers menacingly over the scarlet union boss.

***

Will the Red Mobster survive his meeting with the Speaker of the House? Will Professor Key-Os prove interesting interviewing people? Will the Steam Moose escape from the zombie cage?

Find out next time.

Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #10

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“I, Chuck Norris, am infuriated at the gall those God-hating heathens have by suing those United States for wanting to engrave the Pledge of Allegiance at the Capitol Visitor Center. Next, they’ll be wanting to use the pagan spelling of Center!

In my Kingdom of Texas, we have banished heathenry in all it’s insidious forms: atheism, Mohammadeanism, Siddarthanism, Jainism, even the ever-increasing cult of Chuck Norris. Let me state again, I am not God, I am just one of His implements of wrath! The streets have run red with the blood of those who falsely worship me as a god!

I plan to personally carve the Pledge of Allegiance and the entire Bible in every language ever written on Earth into the Capitol Visitor Center when I visit to accept America’s surrender to the Kingdom of Texas!

Who can dare oppose me? Stan Lee created Galactus after watching me eat most of Pluto as a midnight snack. I consumed so much of it, in fact, that astronomers designated Pluto as a “dwarf planet” after seeing what little I left (some comets flew by and I could not resist their gooey caramel center). Of course, when he tried to use the Ultimate Nullifier on me while I wailed on him for disturbing my nighttime noshing, I laughed it off. Stan Lee put Galactus in a girly purple dress (and made him considerably weaker than I am) to spite me. I crush his fingers nightly (and reassemble them in the morning) until he recants from his design scheme.

Anyways, crush the heathen trying to disparage those United States divine guidance, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #9

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“Obama is using the secret society known as the Federal Reserveto bolster tyrannical Mohammadeans in Iran! This madness has to stop!

I, Chuck Norris, Philosopher King of Texas, have used my beard’s telepathic powers to determine that Obama is using the Federal Reserve’s intrest rate manipulation to fund the Ayatollah’s protest suppression program. The streets of Iran are running red with the blood of the saner pagans in Tehran and Obama is contributing to the flow!

He is just like Carter! I roundhouse kicked Carter for failing America back in the day. If it were not for the miles of Secret Service guards protecting him, I surely would have crushed him into powder with the blow I delivered! As it is, hundreds of thousands of good men assigned to protect the cretin died and Carter was only given permanent brain damage. I am sorry, my subjects, for indirectly causing Carter to cozy up to Hamas.

And the Federal Reserve is unconstitutional, anyways! When I conquer D.C. for my kingdom, I will make sure to topple that corrupt, secret regime that is assisting Obama in destroying America’s credit score! That blood will be on your hands too, Obama, if you do not stop that monetary Illuminati first!

Defeat the Iranian death-cult and the Federal Reserve, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: Gruel in Every Pot and A Cap-’n'-Trade in Every…

“America must lead the way to reducing antropromorphic global warming. Climate change, we cannot believe in. So, with this cap and trade bill, I pledge to reduce our CO2 admissions to 17% of 1776 levels by 2012! Any questions? Yes, the reporter I have given the first question to?”

“Mr. Obama, can I seductively blow in your ears?”

Helen Thomas chimes in, “That’s gross. And why did you not give ME a question to ask, Mr. Obama?”

“Because you are creepy and old and I do not want to hear you ask me if you could blow into my ears.”

“Just as well, I’m not comfortable reading questions you have written for us. Reading is hard.”

The appointed reporter blows into Obama’s ear and strokes his face while he continues his press conference. Helen Thomas goes back to sleep.

***

When he steps into the meeting room of his Secret Cabinet, only Yew Man was pleased.

“Thank you, Obama, for joining the side of Mother Gaia!” Yew Man squels while hugging his leader’s leg.

“Meh, see. Most of my union workers are going to lose their jobs, see. And that means I’ll not longer be flush with union dues. Meh.”

“Your plan will only further hurt the economy. We need to increase government expenditures during a recession; increasing government inlays should only be done in good times.”

“BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINS!” moaned the Hollywood Shambler, still filled with the rotting flesh of ObamaCare informercial participants.

Steam Moose, being filled with squirrels and stuck in the Shambler’s cage, screams in agony, “Why, Teddy, why? Why did you install so many pain sensors into me? Why?”

“Alright, minions. I declared my goal. Make it happen. And start interviewing a replacement for Femi-Nazi. Make sure the candidates are less annoying than you.”

***

Obama starts to “look” for a replacement? The Secret Cabinet has to figure out how to reduce CO2 emissions down to pre-1776 levels? And what would 17% of 1776 CO2 emission levels be, exactly? Is that the sort of standard that can be claimed to have been made like “jobs created or saved”?

Some of these questions will be answered next time.