Good News on the Arena Football Front…

Looks like the league is on schedule to restart this upcoming season. Go Desperados.

Man, that press release is from April. I guess I could have been more vigilant in my glances towards the AFL business plan restructuring…

The Obamacession Making Your Job Search a Living Nightmare?

Try this interview guide to stand out from the crowd [Nota Bene: cussin']! Because sometimes the only way to get noticed is to frighten potential employers by summoning the spirit of the puma when they ask for references.

Random Thoughts

*In the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes sequels, they banned eating tomatoes. Isn’t that giving in to those fruit terrorists demands? I mean, if I was a killer tomato, I’d be killing people for eating my tomatoey brethren.

*Thinking of food, someone had the Whataburger spokesvoice leave a message on my phone about the A-1 Think ‘n’ Hearty Burger’s soon to be demise. I will now mourn the passing of this burger I have never eaten:

Oh, woe is me. The A-1 Thick ‘n’ Hearty Burger is soon to be no longer of this world. That mediocre steak sauce will never pass from a Whataburger to my lips. I will just have to get those onions on any other Whataburger. I will never eat that bacon-y bacon again. Alas.

*I got to spend a good $70 getting the title of my car transferred to me this week. The bureaucrat and I exchanged some barbs. I have not noticed the erosion of our American, God-given freedoms this much since having to pay taxes. What business does the government have in the sale of a car? Why should I have to pay a $10 “Gift Fee” because my parents gave me the car instead of selling it to me? Why do I have to transfer it within the government’s time instead of at my own leisure? Socialism!

*It’s hard to restart the “Random Thoughts” posts on a holy day weekend.

*I just got back from getting a autographed copy of Mike Huckabee’s new book. I guess John Hodgeman’s sequel is just going to have to wait so that I can see just how “giftable” Huck’s book is.

Oooh…

Normal heads of state get portraits of themselves commissioned. Philosopher King Chuck Norris has commissioned a gun!

Someone want to buy me one?

New Functionality

The sidebar now has a convenient “Subscription Activate!” button. Hit it to get blog post e-mails. Or hit the RSS feed button somewhere on your Internet program. Or hit the refresh button every 5 minutes. Or all of the above.

Just trying to give you options while I get back to speed.

What You Should Do With the Hippies at Your Thanksgiving Dinner…

… pilgrim costume optional:

Tip of the Hat: IMAO

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom: What’s Taking So Long?

Barack Obama bursts into the Secret Cabinet meeting room. He is not pleased. Yew Man is buried neck deep in rich loam in the corner, though he is missing his left eye and most of his face. The Hollywood Shambler is desperately reaching out of his cage, trying to snack a passerby and eat his brains. Steam Moose is passed out in the cage, all of the squirrels trapped in his chassis either eaten or dead. And Professor Key-Os is starring at his teleprompter.

“It’s been over 4 months since I announced my plans to reduce carbon emissions, you ingrates! I’ve won a Nobel Peace Prize by dressing up as Eugene Debs, lost the Olympics by dressing up as Oprah, played a Japanese geisha for a week, and dressed up like the political philosopher Chairman Mao to amuse the Chinese. What is taking so long? Why is Yew Man half dead and potted? Why have you not refilled Steam Moose’s squirrels? Where is Red Mobster? And why do you have my teleprompter?”

“To answer your questions. Yew Man got into a fight with Nancy Pelosi’s Wax Golem. He killed the thing, but was severely dehydrated and Pelosi ate most of his face. She finally mailed him back here a week ago and I was told to plant and water him to get him back to some semblance of good health. Red Mobster and I got the idea to get Congress to do the heavy lifting on your project, so Red Mobster went to petition Pelosi.”

“Was this before or after Yew Man caused trouble?” Obama interuppted.

“Before. Anyways, Pelosi asked him to arm-twist the Blue Dogs and I have not seen him since. Steam Moose’s screams were getting annoying and I wanted to get some peace and quite while trying to finish my round of interviews for Femi-Nazi’s slot. And, at your request, I am trying to interview your teleprompter. It keeps signaling that I should read it’s responses out load, but I refuse on the grounds that it is retarded. Anything else, fearless leader?”

“No. That pretty much answers all my questions.”

“A geisha, you say?”

“I do not want to talk about it.’

***

Red Mobster is still frozen in fear, but the sight of the Blue Dog Coalition’s offices added confusion to the paralysis. The walls were pastel blue, with knock-off pictures of Huckleberry Hound painted here and there. The Blue Dogs were dressed in diapers, drinking bottles and taking nap-times. Aides read them letters from constituents telling them what good boys and girls they are. In one corner, they had a sticker board showing positive and negative feedback (represented by smiley and frowny faces). There were a lot of frowny faces, with more being added by the day. No one bothered the crimson criminal as he stood gaping at the entryway.

Suddenly, the Congressmen started to cry. It was Barack Obama walking up behind him.

“Stop being such a scaredy cat and force them to vote our way. You think these aides let those man-babies play with guns? Get in there!” Obama shoves the scarlet scalawag into the nursery.

“Yeah…, see… You gonna vote the way I tell you… see… or ‘m gonna…”

“Hush,” one of the aides scolded, “You’ll scare the poor things. Look how many frowny faces they have gotten from constituents lately. They know it’s because of the ObamaCare bill and they do not want to be forced into something else their constituents don’t want. Can’t you see how on edge they are? Shoo.”

“But Nancy Pelosi, see…”

The light whimpering from the Congressmen turned into full-on wailing.

“Pelosi scary! She eats babies! Wah!”

“Now you done it. They are going to have nightmares for weeks now.”

“Meh, I didn’t…”

“You’ve done enough harm to their self-esteem. Go bother someone else.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

Looks like the Cabinet failed yet again. ObamaCare is costing too much political capital right now to get the ambitious 17% of 1776 emissions plan implemented. The moral of the story: Don’t sit on your hands for a quarter.

Tune in next week to find out who won our little sidebar poll (Voting ends next installment). And be prepared for quite possibly the dumbest, craziest arc yet, with guest stars galore! And a possible theme song!

Kneel Before BOSSE!

Tip of the Hat: Moe Lane

He is the De Facto Representative for the Fightin’ 00 for New Hampshire and all:

Hey, Phantom Congress Movement Folks, make a list of all the magic, stimulus-created congressional districts so I know which I could possibly run for (without having to dig though the stimulus bill legalese muck). I assume you have already done the work. Share the juicy tidbits.

Does the mythical land of Decatur have a phantom district? It’s supposed location is not too far from my apartment; I might very well run for it.

The Good News, The Bad News, and The Ugly News

Good News: With the advent of apartment Interwebs, I can now connect to X-Box Live. Huzzah, DLC!

Bad News: I am still too cheap for a X-Box Live Gold membership, so I will still not be playing games on-line.

Ugly News: Not that I would get a gold membership anyways, considering my conversation with Tech Support today. Apparently, any achievements/gamerscore you earn while NOT connected to X-Box Live will not count towards an on-line enabled gamercard. Ergo, I have 3 options:

1. Ignore 2 years of console gaming bragging rights
2. Don’t ignore 2 years of console gaming bragging rights, play with the new gamercard and be called a liar.
3. Don’t ignore 2 years of console gaming bragging rights and let the X-Box Live enabled gamercard lie fallow except when I want DLC.

I’m choosing the third. Thanks, Microsoft for putting me betwixt the proverbial Scylla, Charybdis, and Charazard.

Gratuitious Linked Post

I got linked by Moe Lane.

That is all.