Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: The Pitches

“Dear Muslim friends, I am one of you! I want to destroy America as much as you! We should totally work together!”

The Egyptian audience roared in excitement. At last, they have an American president they agree with.

***

Returning from his second demoralization tour, Obama gets ready to see what his Cabinet came up with. He sits in his office chair that he had recently installed in the Meeting Chambers of the Secret Cabinet, made of the bones of various hippies that were fed to the Hollywood Shambler, with cool flame-jets strategically located to shoot out of the skulls.

Speaking of the Shambler, he was the first to be brought it, wearing his anti-biting mask. He hands Obama his sheet of paper, covered in blood, tears, and putrid rotting goo.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, Shambler, but where are the details? How are you going to pull it off?”

The zombie looks at Obama hungrarly and confused. How is it supposed to think of a plan without higher brain functions?

“Not going to respond, eh? Take him back to his cage!”

Steam Moose is dragged in next. He hands Obama a blank piece of paper.

“I refuse to participate in this charade. We should not assassinate political enemies. Especially, since I agree with much of what he says.”

“Beat him mercilessly and Squirrel him.”

“Not again! NOT AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the mechanical moose screams as he is dragged away.

Yew Man hands Obama his plan, neatly drawn on biodegradable rice paper (already decomposing in Obama’s hands!).

“My plan is simple. We pass laws requiring the utter destruction of Gaia-hurting internal combustion engines. Robbing him the means to easily move around will result in eventual death by heat stroke, if starvation due to an inability to broadcast does not off him first. He can’t spout off his hate speech if the radio stations cannot power their equipment!”

“Wouldn’t that kill way more people than just the hated Limbaugh?”

“Yes! All the fewer humans hurting our dear Mother Gaia!”

“I’ll take it into consideration.”

Femi-Nazi walks in with her plan, written on Hello Kitty stationary (with Hello Kitty sporting a mean set of katanas and running them though generic businessmen).

“We should assault his radio station and castrate him when he is on the air. Then, we’ll force him to renounce his evil, male ways and then make him run Tupperware parties until he dies!”

“Okay. Next.”

Professor Key-Os wheels in a slide show projector and begins an hour-long lecture on how the implication of Keynesian economics would eventually make Rush irrelevant, which would be a fate worse than death for a talk radio personality. Obama falls asleep in the middle of it. The flame spewing skulls even stop.

The Red Mobster presents his plan to the sleeping Obama, which was to unionize Limbaugh’s staff, making his labor costs prohibitively expensive. He would go out of business and then starve.

***

So, who is Obama going to pick! Vote and tell me! And why do half of their plans consist of using government intervention to force Rush out of business and letting unemployment do the rest? Do they just assume Rush could not get a job elsewhere? Are liberal-stereotype terrorists that passive-aggressive or are they just lazy?

Seriously, only one of you has voted. There is less than a week left. Check the sidebar.