Polar Bears: Wrong For America

Tip of the Hat: Moe Lane

Moved, More or Less

So, we survived my move across town. There is still some stuff at the old place, but the lease is not over until Tuesday and the remaining stuff can be easily transported in my car. Oh, and I found out my shower has a pressure problem; time to see just how responsive the new landlords are!

My new living situation means some changes to my blogging habits. Until further notice, I am not going to have an Internet connection at home. I still have one at work (and will be stopping by work at least once a week when I am off), so new content will still be coming out in it’s usual slowish trickle. But, one can pretty much expect no new posts on Sunday (except for the occasional scheduled post, whenever I remember a Holy Day that needs noting).

Mayhaps when/if I get that decent career job, I’ll grab some interwebs for my new place. I just cannot afford it with my current minimum wage salary. Hooray, inflation!

Moving Day is Tomorrow…

…so, if I were you, I would not be expecting much action here.

If you need something to tide you over, you could read all 26 episodes of Barack Obama, et cetera. Or imagine how a rage filled Chuck Norris sounds like. Mayhaps confirming my cat lady research could fill the void in your lives reading my inane blather usually does.

Or you could watch this:

Not Crowder’s best work, but good use of “not resorting to dressing up like Perez Hilton”.

Or you could repeatedly watch this video of a learning algorithm figuring out how to play Pitfall!:

Tip of the Hat: Giant Bomb

Or you could write a pointy, pointy comment about my atrocious grammar. I will probably not read it until Saturday, but you could…

Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom!: The Infomercial

Previously on Barack Obama and His Cabinet of Doom:

A zombie is put in charge of the Office of the National Coordinator of Health Information Technology.

Oh, and Femi-Nazi kicks the bucket.

Caught up now? On with the show!

***

[click]

“Billy Mays here for Obamacare! When the Obama administration ‘asked’ me to endorse their life-changing plan for health care reform, I had no choice but to comply! So, let’s spend the next hour or so talking about how Obamacare will make everything all better! Because nothing is more important than having good health care when you need it! Not even food, water, or air!”

Applause.

“America has too many old people. Just look at them, wasting precious resources that could be better spent on the useful. Did you know 26% of elderly care occurs during the last year of life? With Obamacare, look at the savings! We’ll just humanely put down old people once they look like they are about to die! No more old people clogging our Denny’s and Florida’s. Isn’t that amazing?”

Applause.

“And another thing, look at those doctors on the golf course, again. While you have to wait up to 15 minutes before your appointment, these doctors are out having fun! With Obamacare, that nuisance will be a thing of the past! We will force all doctors to work 80 hours a week to meet your every health whim! No more doctors playing golf and no more lines! That will teach them to spend nearly a decade and hundreds of thousands of dollars to learn a highly specialized, complicated trade!”

Applause.

“Even if all the primary care doctors underwent this 80 hour workweek, we will still be lacking enough qualified doctors to adequately meet the needs of all 300 million of you. Obamacare has a two-pronged approach to ensure everyone’s needs are met. One, we will force specialists using frivolous technology to treat optional care to give up their lucrative speciality careers to become primary care doctors! If you thought Dr. Boothe (noted laser eye surgeon in DFW area) was a great doctor when he was wasting precious health care resources fixing your eyes, wait until you see him remove splinters and put band-aids on boo-boos!”

Applause.

Our other prong is the conscription of competent college students into the medical field. Tired of wasting money on yet another talentless English major? Well, we will force him into becoming a doctor instead, on pain of not having the student loans or the professors to finish his degree! Would it not be wonderful for colleges to be pumping out doctors instead of unemployable man-children?”

Applause.

“But, I know what you are thinking? How much is this going to cost me? Well, that depends. The government will try to not charge you more than they think you can handle. If you make less than $2,500 a year, you can expect no increases in your taxes. If you make more, the government will just reduce how much you can itemize charitable donations on your taxes. Maybe it would be better to think of this on a national scale. Would you believe you get all this medical care for only 5 quintillion dollars?”

“NO!”

“Okay, how about 3 quadrillion dollars?”

“NO!”

“Okay, my final offer is 1.7 trillion dollars over the next 10 years! If we try to go any lower, the Congressional Budget Office will literally strangle me to death, the greedy scum.”

Applause.

“But wait, there’s more. Blindly accept the plan now, and you get a free order of OrangeGlow topical antibiotic ointment. All the germ killing power of oranges packed into this amazing tube! It will make your scabs shine!”

Applause.

“Can I go now?”

The Secret Service agent pointing a gun at Billy Mays offstage shakes his head no.

“Well, I guess you want to see how this works, huh folks? To demonstrate how Obamacare is going to improve every aspect of your life, here is famous Hollywood actor and head of the Office of the National Coordinator of Health Information Technology, Chaz Remington!”

The other doors of the East Room automatically and silently lock as the Hollywood Shambler’s cage is rolled into position. The cameras has their microphones disabled. Billy Mays runs to the other side door to try and escape, trying in vain to unlock the door. The Secret Service lets loose the zombie of Obamacare, which proceeds to feast on the succulent brains of the audience and infomercial star. PR agents overlay the feed with pictures of band-aids and hugs where their would be blood and torn flesh. Once everyone is thoroughly dead, a pre-recorded message from Billy Mays is pipped into the deadly silent room, microphones now turned back on:

“Obamacare: It’ll cure what ails you for less or your diseases back!”

That’s Right You Should Fear Us…

…especially since we’re the civilians with guns. And the majority of the military.

Fear Us!

Update on Cow Conspiracy

The cows are in cahoots with the eco-cultists! The eco-cultists believe that methane is a contributor to global warming, which means the cows are encouraging those mindless hippies to destroy our way of life! Just by farting (and belching)…

And you did not believe me when I said cows are trying to kill us.

Chuck Norris Public Service Announcement #8

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Norris:

“The Kingdom of Texas stands in solidarity with Catholic Answers! They are rebelling against the Internal Revenue Service, who has demanded they sacrifice 47 virgins to Mammon for daring to say that John Kerry should have been excommunicated in 2004. I say nay to income taxes!

Income taxes are the scourge of the earth! They and everyone who supports them should be burned; the street will run red with the corpses of people who think paying taxes is patriotic! My beard’s fire breath WILL consume any taxmen I come across, but we need to help others who wish to oppose their terrible regime! I will supply weapons and martial arts training to any Catholic who wishes to maim and exterminate the auditor infestation in those United States!

Who can oppose me? Ninjas, being jealous of how I am better than them in every way, attack me at every sunrise! I easily defeat them and then eat their succulent brains and hearts for breakfast! They are tasty and I enjoy eating them!

The Founding Fathers offered some muskets when I told them of my plan, which I respectfully declined. They need those guns to kill Lobsterbacks; we need bazookas to kill IRS bloodsuckers.

So, kill the IRS menance in your midst, or you will be destroyed!”

The more you know… the less likely you will be annihilated by the most deadly mortal ever to live, Chuck Norris.

Conspiracy Corner: Cows Plotting to Destroy Humanity

So, Moe Lane wrote this post about how Andrew Sullivan thinks that the Jews control the Washington Post. And, being that I have been blogrolled by said evil giraffe, I must confess: I have some crazy conspiracy theories, too.

To start with, here is (an incomplete) list of theories I do think are a bunch of flimflam:

• Jews controlling the media
• 9/11 was an inside job
• We never landed on the moon
• Avocados are meant for human consumption
• Lizard people run the secret government
• Bumpits make you look attractive
• AIDS was designed to kill black people by the government
• Fluoridating water destroys the purity of essence
• Antropromorphic Global Warming
• Oprahism
• Voodoo zombies can be trusted
• George W Bush caused Hurricane Katrina with his weather control powers/machines

Unlike some of the standards, though, mine are consequential. So, on conspiracy corner, I’m going to describe in excruciating detail, my various psychotic ideas.

So, onto the main event!

Cows are plotting to destroy us all! Consider the following:

• When cows eat other cows, prions build up. Prions cause BSE (or Mad Cow). BSE can kill you!
• Cows produce a liter of flammable methane an hour. Strap some blowtorches on a cow and plug them up and what do you get? Cow bomb.
• Cows talk to other hoofed animals to run across the road while we drive by. The government tries to warn us with deer crossing signs, but it is too little, too late.
• PETA wants you to think that the running of the bulls is cruel and not the cows using it as an excuse to gore and trample people freely. Are you really going to believe something PETA espouses?
• Cows could command those peoples that mistakenly worship them (like PETA) to commit mass suicide once they figure out how to talk man. Mooing is their attempt to practice human speech.

The solution to the problem? We kill and eat the cow masterminds. Sounds like a plan, eh? We might want to wait for the cows to figure out how to speak man first; might help with our PETA population problem.

Obama Turns His Back on Yet Another Democratic Voting Bloc…

First it was the sodomites for not supporting their rabid overturn Proposition 8 campaign, and now Undead-Americans get to feel the snub from Obama.

Obama is trying to get Congress to pass a tax on the Undead-Americans, ironically called the Graveyard Housing Occupancy Unlimited Liability Act of 2009. Details are still scarce, but the title suggests some kind of property tax on cemetery plots, mausoleums, and other undead housing. That is what you get for not supporting Obama financially like the unions or China did; never mind the undead have voted Democratic 100% percent of the time they were allowed to vote.

The response from the undead community has been one of shock and betrayal.

David Naughton, who became undead during a trip to England, said, “With this new tax, Obama is going to drive me out of my home. Do you know how hard it is to hold a job when you roam the countryside feasting on innocent people every full moon, waking up naked miles from work around noon? Most employers do not take kindly to missing work and nobody likes it when you show up around closing time to apologize for not calling in while covered in the blood of your victims.”

Scientists informed a zombie with electrodes inserted into it’s brains about this new possible tax and, once they removed the white noise of “braaaaaaaiiiiiins”, got this response: “Obaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaa tryiiiiiiing to taaaaaaaaax me? Thaaaaaaat waaaaaaas not the hope and chaaaaaaaange I voted for.”

I’m personally torn by the prospects of this new tax. On the one hand, the money is going to be used on socialized medicine, which is not only an extravagant waste of money dooming us all to early graves but is a service that Undead-Americans cannot use. That’s like making a new tax the deaf to bail out NPR. On the other hand, the undead certainly seem to be not pulling their weight. If I have to pay taxes, they should too.

My plans for undead genocide does not seem so evil now, does it?

I Feel a Little Dirty Inside

I cannot believe I am about to type this, but…

Tip of the Hat: Rick Perry’s Hair

So, the man wants to make impersonating someone on-line illegal, eh? They say it hurts peoples’ feelings, eh?

If you cannot stand the interweb fire, stay out of the interweb kitchens. And, if you are out of the interweb kitchens and still feel the flames, you can always treat it as a libel manner. An additional law does not make sense.

But, then again, nobody in their right mind would want to take my identity, so I might be a little too removed from the situation.